Lost in Consolation
by PandaGirl2019
Summary: The gang took Sodapop's happiness for granted. They didn't realize how much he was hurting over past events until the pain he experienced made him seek comfort and release in something potentially destructive, while also trying to find a healthier way to cope.
1. Chapter 1

Pony kept his eyes on the TV screen as Samantha's nose twitched, making Tabitha disappear. He smiled when the little girl appeared again, surprising Darren.

Man, it would be tuff to be able to bring someone back with just a touch of magic, Pony thought.

On the other hand, he'd prefer to make his buddy disappear right about now. Pony watched as TwoBit tackled Steve and knocked over the coffee table and a nearly full can of Coke.

"Sorry!" TwoBit yelled, still giggling.

Steve seemed much less amused, but Soda was laughing too.

"You're cleaning up whatever that was!" Darry shouted from the kitchen, but Pony could hear the smile in his voice.

"You're crazy, TwoBit," Pony said, shaking his head, in amusement.

"Aw, that hurts, Kid!" TwoBit cried in mock hurt, as he clutched his chest.

Pony eyed Soda's smile and thought of Bewitched again. If he could, he'd work some magic of his own and keep his brother smiling. Happy-go-lucky Sodapop had seemed less so lately. Pony couldn't blame him though. It had only been a little over a month since they had lost Johnny and Dallas. Pony knew that had not only been hard on him, but his brothers and friends too. The entire week leading up to losing two of their closest friends had been etched into their minds and hearts. Pony would never expect Soda to be unaffected, but he did wonder if more could be going on than Soda was telling anyone. He took comfort in believing Soda would talk to him if and when he needed to, and Pony was more than willing to give him time. He was pulled from his thoughts by Darry's voice.

"Pony, don't you have homework to finish?"

Pony rolled his eyes. He and Darry were doing much better getting along, but some things would never change. He picked up his math worksheet and a pencil, as he told the guys he'd be outside on the porch.

Both TwoBit and Steve announced that they were heading to their own homes for the night, and Pony didn't miss the way Soda's face fell. There was a chorus of "see you later's" and "good night's," as the door opened and slammed shut.

"Hey, Soda, it's your turn to do the dishes, little buddy!" Darry called.

Soda went to the kitchen and turned on the sink, watching as the clear water became a soapy, bubbly river running over the dirty dishes. It turned murky, as it washed away the remnants of their meal.

If only I could wash my feelings away that easily, Soda mused, as he started scrubbing. He was startled out of his thoughts when he felt a sharp pain. "Ouch!" he shouted, snatching his hand from the water.

Soda looked down to see a cut on his palm pouring blood. After looking among the dishes, Soda spied a knife peaking up at him from beneath the bubbles.

"What happened?" Darry questioned, rushing into the kitchen.

"Just a little cut, Dar. I didn't know that knife was in the sink," Soda told his brother, as he rinsed the wound with cold water and pressed a paper towel into his palm to stop the bleeding.

"You okay?"

"It's fine. Doesn't hurt that much." Soda saw that the bleeding had nearly stopped.

Darry reached over and plucked the knife from the water before glancing at Soda's hand. "All right, it doesn't look bad," he remarked, before ruffling Soda's hair and telling him to be more careful.

Soda went back to washing the dishes and realized he had lost his train of thought. He looked down at the water and saw that it looked clearer now, rinsing away only soap bubbles.

Darry walked outside to sit on the porch with Pony. He did want to make sure he finished his homework, but it was so much more than that now. He felt truly proud of Pony, and he was relieved they understood each other better now. They still argued from time to time, but they didn't let the fighting get out of hand. Most importantly, they never put Soda in the middle. Darry knew that the look in Soda's eyes the night he had cried and run out during one of their fights would haunt him for a long time. Neither Darry nor Pony had realized how much they were hurting their middle brother. Darry had many regrets, but his biggest one was hurting his brothers. The night he had hit Pony still played through his mind daily, like a video tape interrupting his thoughts. He couldn't help but wonder if things may have turned out differently if he could rewind that tape and run after Pony. Better yet, he would not hit him in the first place. Then, Bob Sheldon wouldn't have been killed, and Johnny and Dallas would still be alive and hanging out in his living room with the rest of the gang. Darry's chest didn't ache as much now when he thought about their departed buddies, but it would be a long time before that pain ebbed away.

"Almost done, Pony?" Darry asked, as he sat next to his brother on the swing.

"Yep. This one's pretty easy," Pony replied, writing down the answer to an equation.

Pony looked up at Darry just as rain started to fall. He let out a yawn, feeling the sound soothe him. It had been a long day, and he was ready to hit the hay. Darry was watching him, as if he had a question he didn't know how to ask.

"What's up, Dar?" Pony asked.

"Just wondering how you're doing. You feeling okay?"

Darry asked Pony this question almost daily, but it was understandable, and Pony actually appreciated the concern. He had gotten very sick the night Johnny and Dallas died. He'd had a concussion and been delirious with a fever for a week. All Pony could really remember was Darry and Soda being with him.

"I feel fine. I'm okay, really. I'm almost all caught up with school. I got my English theme turned in to Mr. Syme," Pony said, as he wrote out the last equation on his math sheet and handed it to Darry.

Darry frowned as Pony lit a cigarette, but he didn't comment. His brother had cut back on smoking, so he didn't see the purpose in arguing about it anymore. He had more pressing matters to focus on at this moment.

"I know, Dar. I'm really not smoking as much. It's just hard to quit completely, you know?" Pony said, as he pressed the cigarette between his lips.

"I know, little buddy. I just want you to take care of yourself. You sleeping okay? Any nightmares?"

"Only once in a while. And they're not as bad."

Darry stared at Pony, letting his inhale and blow out one more puff of smoke before pulling the cigarette from his brother's fingers. Pony started to protest, as his cigarette was put out, but Darry grabbed him in a headlock.

"Hey!" Pony cried, giggling and trying to break free, as Darry messed up his hair before letting him go.

"Has Soda talked to you about anything?" Darry asked, as Pony fixed his hair.

Pony shrugged and shook his head, but he could see why Darry was asking. He knew it could take time to bounce back after the tough year they'd had. Between losing their parents, then the events that had led to the deaths of Johnny and Dallas, the Curtis boys and their friends had experienced so much loss.

"Soda sure doesn't seem like himself, does he?" Darry asked in a voice that sounded as if he were contemplating a much larger question.

"He'll be fine. He has us," Pony assured Darry.

Darry knew this was true, but he wished he could do more. Soda had been his anchor the week Pony was in Windrixville. He hadn't been as directly involved in the events of that dreadful week as Pony had, but he still had it rough. Darry believed he had dropped the ball in looking out for Pony, and he didn't want to let Soda fall through the cracks just because they were so used to him being happy. They couldn't take Soda's naturally bubbly cheerfulness for granted, or he may not stay that way. Pony couldn't know the extent of it, but Soda had held Darry together after Pony ran away and when he was so sick from the concussion. Now, however, Soda appeared to be on autopilot, going through the motions of life, but not really living. Darry wondered if Soda needed someone to help hold him together.

"Give him some time. He'll come around," Pony said softly, drawing Darry out of his reverie.

"Sure thing, kiddo. Just make sure he knows you're there for him. I will too," Darry told his little brother, grinning at him.

"He knows, but I will."

Pony figured with all that Soda always did for him he should make certain he knew he'd be there if and when his older brother wanted to talk. Soda did know that, right? Pony suddenly found himself thinking about how Soda hadn't told him how he had been affected and wondered if that was because Pony himself had been so wrapped up in the events that had irrevocably changed their lives even more. If Soda believed he shouldn't talk to him, he would definitely have to fix that. Pony loved Soda dearly, and he couldn't bear the thought of his brother hurting. Just the thought was making his chest begin to ache.

The rain poured harder at the same time the front door swung open.

"Guys, I think it's about to..." Soda was cut off by the clap of thunder.

Lightning flashed across the sky, and all three Curtis brothers headed inside for the night.


	2. Chapter 2

Soda stretched out on the bed, yawning, as Pony sorted through their pile of laundry. He was looking for a shirt to wear to bed and finally settled for Darry's old University of Oklahoma T-shirt.

"Hey, Pony, you going to turn out that light, man? We both have to be up early," Soda said with his eyes closed.

He didn't know if his brothers had realized it, but Soda wasn't getting a lot of sleep lately. He wasn't up all night, but had been getting up at odd hours, unable to get back to sleep after being jolted awake by disturbing dreams. They weren't the kind of nightmares that made him wake up screaming, but he did find himself needing to check on both Pony and Darry to be sure they were okay. Then, Soda would need a drink or some fresh air to ground himself back into reality and calm down. These dreams, though they were simply subconscious expressions of fears he harbored, felt very real. They were the nonsensical result of the swirl of emotions he couldn't seem to shake. Soda would wake up confused and disoriented before his eyes landed on his little brother. That moment always helped pull him back into a sense of security.

"Soda, can I talk to you for a minute?" Pony asked, after darkness had engulfed the room and both boys lay listening to the fading sounds of rain and thunder.

"Sure, what's up?" Soda replied, not surprised by Pony's question since it wasn't unusual for them to talk before drifting off to sleep.

"You do know you can talk to me about anything, right? I'm here for you."

"Yeah, Pone. I know."

Soda took a deep breath and blinked back the tears in his eyes. He really didn't want to do this right now. Besides, he didn't have the words to describe the nagging knot of fear and grief that was plaguing him.

"Okay. It's just, well, you're always here for me. You always listen, and you understand everyone better than anyone else I know. Like how you understood Darry when I sure couldn't, but you got me at the same time," Pony told his brother.

I just wish I could understand myself, Soda thought. Before he could say anything else, Pony spoke again.

"And I know I was wrapped in the middle of everything with Johnny and Dal, but that doesn't mean you can't tell me if it's still bothering you. I miss them too."

Soda considered this. Pony was right that he'd been right in the middle of everything. Pony had been the one Johnny rescued from drowning when he stabbed Bob Sheldon. Pony had been at the burning church in Windrixville. He'd also been there at the hospital when Johnny died before the whole gang saw Dallas get shot. What Pony could not realize though was how Soda had been trapped in the center of endless turmoil since they lost their parents nearly ten months ago. As the middle Curtis brother, the gang's year of uninvited change, trauma, and sudden grief had continuously pulled him in different directions. Soda was now suffering in an internal tug-of-war that threatened to tear him apart with a mass of fear, guilt, and sorrow.

"I do miss them, Pony. I miss all of them," Soda managed to say, as a few tears leaked from his eyes.

Soda didn't mean to cry then, but Pony's words touched his aching soul and brought a sense of validation to his emotions.

"I love you, Sodapop," Pony uttered softly.

Soda thought about the reason he and Pony had begun sharing a room in the first place. Pony had started experiencing terrifying nightmares shortly after their parents' fatal accident, and Soda had been able to calm him down. Pony slept much more peacefully with his brother next to him. The irony was that Soda needed him now too. Pony may not know it yet, but he was doing plenty for Soda simply with his presence.

"I love you too, Pone. Good night," Soda added, as he tossed an arm around his little brother.

* * *

 _Soda struggles to pull his head above the water that is swallowing him. He tries to take a breath, but only sucks in more water. He feels himself starting to float away as another crashing wave drags him even farther down. He starts to close his eyes to let the tide sweep him away, but suddenly hears a sound coming from above him. Soda hears voices and looks up. Staring back at him are Darry and Pony, and they're calling his name. They stretch their hands out to reach him, but they disappear just as he begins to reach for them. In their place appear Steve and TwoBit. His friends try to reach for him too, but before Soda can take the offered hands, he looks down. There he sees something dark grab for his ankle, dragging him deeper into the wild water. Soda's eyes search for the identity of this thing, but all he sees gazing back at him is his own reflection._

Soda jolted awake, removing himself from the grip of the unnerving and horrific dream. He immediately looked over to see Pony, resting in an undisturbed slumber. Soda sighed, realizing that he won't be going back to sleep anytime soon. He quietly lifted himself from the bed and padded down the hall to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and saw the sweat on his forehead. "You're fine," he whispered to his reflection, as he rinsed his face with cold water.

Soda left the bathroom and gently pushed open Darry's door. He peered over at the bed to see Darry wrapped in his comforter and sound asleep. Soda pulled the door closed before he wandered into the kitchen. He took a seat at the table and gazed out the window. Whenever he woke up during the night, this was his routine. He couldn't just lay in bed, struggling to sleep. He had to get up and move around, or he'd be even more tired.

Deciding he needed some fresh air, Soda grabbed a light jacket from the rack by the front door and pulled it on before stepping out into the chilly early morning. He hadn't checked the time, but he guessed it must be around 4:00 a.m. They all still had a few hours before work and school started. He took a seat on the step next to the porch railing and tried to relax.

Soda didn't even hear the door open before he saw Darry looking at him, obviously concerned.

"What are you doing out here, little buddy? It's 4:30 in the morning, " Darry asked, sitting down next to Soda.

"I could ask you the same thing. Just sitting. Couldn't sleep," Soda decided to say, figuring it was at least partially the truth.

"I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed you weren't in your bed. But, Soda, it isn't like you not to sleep. What's going on?"

Soda met Darry's eyes, and upon discerning the genuine care and love in his gaze, he chose to speak more of the truth. "I've been having pretty bad dreams, Dar. It's hard to get back to sleep, so I just get up."

"What are they about?" Darry inquired, still watching his brother.

"They don't really make sense to me. But in this one, I was drowning, and you guys couldn't get to me."

Darry moved to wrap an arm around Soda before speaking again. "Soda, I watch you with Pony all the time, and I just want to tell you that's exactly how I feel about you. You don't have to keep anything to yourself. I know something is bugging you. Please let me be your big brother."

Darry had stepped up to be both Pony and Soda's guardian at such a young age, but he was like a fierce, protective brother bear. Soda may have only been a few years younger, but he still needed that. By the same token, Pony was only a few years younger than Soda, but he was there for him in the same way Darry wanted to be there for Soda in this moment.

"Talk to me, little buddy. Even if it's only a little. That's still a start," Darry urged.

"I'm just tired, Darry, and I miss our friends and our parents. And I guess I feel nervous and scared a lot too. It's just a lot has happened, you know?" Soda knew he was being vague. "I mean, I want to tell you. I just don't really have the words yet."

"It's okay, Pepsi Cola."

Soda laid his head on Darry's shoulder and felt his arm tighten around him. This may not be what Darry had had in mind when he'd said it, but _this_ was Soda letting him be his big brother. He felt protected and loved, wrapped in the cocoon of comfort that was his older brother shielding him from the world and from himself.


	3. Chapter 3

Soda got into the front seat of Steve's car, just as he was turning the radio dial, searching for any song that didn't belong to the Beatles.

 _"Help! I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody"_

Steve rolled his eyes and finally left the radio on the next station he tried.

 _"Ba ba ba ba Barbara Ann. Take my hand"_

Soda laughed and started to sing along, while Steve shook his head. He backed out of the Curtis' driveway and headed in the direction of the DX. He would drop Soda off there before heading to school.

"Hey, you want to go to the drag races tonight?" Steve asked.

Soda paused, as the song ended, before answering. Did he want to go out tonight? He wasn't too sure. "I don't know, man."

" _I've got sunshine on a cloudy day..."_

Steve groaned, but Soda sang again. He leaned toward Steve, his voice high, as he shouted the chorus.

" _I guess you'd say what can make me feel this way? My girl, my girl, talkin' bout my girl..."_

"You're such a doofus, Soda," Steve said, but he was smiling.

Truthfully, Steve was glad to see Soda clowning around. He had been quiet and distant lately, like he was wrapped up in his thoughts. Whatever he was thinking about, it was bringing him down. He figured it would be good for Soda to go out and have a little fun.

"All right, buddy, just let me know," Steve said, pulling into the DX parking lot.

"Aw, Steve, just go without me."

It wasn't a bad suggestion, and while they certainly didn't go everywhere together, Steve didn't like that idea today. No, he wanted to spend time with his best friend. Even if all they did was hang out and play cards, he'd make sure Soda did something. "Nah, I'll just hang out at your house."

Soda shrugged, not really wanting Steve to stay in on account of him, but still glad he would. Just thinking about going out, he had suddenly felt overwhelmed.

"You all right, man?" Steve asked, eyeing Soda.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Good. But...well, if you want to talk, you can tell me anything. It's not a big deal."

Did Darry and Pony send out a memo or something? Soda wondered. He wasn't annoyed. Actually, it felt good. He realized Steve knew him well enough to see something was wrong. He knew him as well as his brothers did. Soda simply didn't feel like talking anymore right now. It had been a long night and morning, and he wanted to start the work day. He needed a break from the thoughts in his head.

* * *

Pony walked to his locker with several textbooks in his arms. He still had some catching up to do, so he was taking extra work home today. Pony felt an elbow jab into his side before the books went flying, and he lost his balance, toppling to the floor.

"What's the matter, Greaser? Too clumsy for walking now? All that grease took you down, man," Pony heard a voice say, followed by maniacal laughing.

He recognized the voice and realized it was Gary Reed, a Soc, who was in his honors math class. The Socs had mostly left Pony alone since everything with Johnny, but some of them found great amusement in messing with him. Gary, in particular, liked teasing anyone he believed to be beneath him. Pony thought it was too bad their math class didn't cover manners.

"Hey! If you know what's good for you, you'll lay off my buddy!"

Pony looked up to see TwoBit approaching. He hadn't even known TwoBit was near, but it wasn't a surprise. He was practically Pony's shadow now. Pony scrambled to stand up and gather his books, then placed them in his locker.

"Your buddy needs to learn to fight his own fights, grease," said Gary's buddy, Thomas.

"Back off!" Pony shouted, coming to stand in front of both Socs.

"What are you going to do? Pull a blade on us too? You wouldn't get away with it this time," Gary responded.

Everyone, Socs and Greasers alike, knew what had happened when Johnny rescued Pony from drowning in the park fountain. They all knew Johnny had stabbed Bob Sheldon. Yet, even most Socs did not bring it up. Pony felt a chill go through his body, as his anger dared him to turn this verbal fight into a physical one, but TwoBit held him back with a hand on his shoulder.

"They ain't worth it, Pony," TwoBit said quietly.

"Ha, you always let this one fight your battles?" Thomas snapped.

"Shut up, Soc. Mess with my friend again, and you'll find yourself looking for new teeth!" TwoBit threatened, grabbing a hold of Gary's shirt and shoving him into a nearby locker.

TwoBit pushed Gary away, as he and Thomas laughed again. Both Socs started to walk toward a set of doors leading outside, but they had to have the last word.

"Good day, Greasers. Don't run into anymore burning buildings. We'd hate to lose you too!" Gary shouted merrily, sauntering away.

Pony couldn't move for a moment. No one at school had ever mentioned anything about the burning church or the manner of Johnny's death. Even as cruel as the Socs liked to be, that was one line they didn't cross.

"Kid! You with me?" TwoBit questioned, waving his hand in front of Pony's face. "Don't, Ponyboy. Just let it go," He added, softening his tone.

TwoBit enjoyed fighting. He really did, but he wasn't itching for Pony to get in trouble at school, and he sure didn't want to see him hurt again. That was why TwoBit had stood with Pony, instead of knocking that Soc's teeth out for daring to mention how Bob had been killed with Johnny's blade. He forced himself to think only of Pony. The adrenaline rush of a fight wouldn't justify failing to keep his buddy safe from harm. It had also been difficult not to react when TwoBit heard the even more brutal comment about the fire. He had to admit that if Pony hadn't been there, he wouldn't have hesitated for a moment. TwoBit was even more protective of all his friends now, but he considered watching out for Pony his own personal responsibility. He would never forget how sick Pony had been after Johnny and Dally's deaths or his role that he felt had contributed to the illness. TwoBit had sat next to Pony's bed and cried, full of sorrow and regret. Darry had appeared at his side and assured him that Pony getting sick absolutely was not his fault. TwoBit still thought he could've done better though. Maybe if he had told Darry about the fever, Pony wouldn't have been at the rumble, then he never would have passed out. That kid couldn't so much as stub his toe now without TwoBit telling Darry all about it.

"Come on, kid. Let's go visit Soda at the DX. I'll swipe us some Pepsis and candy bars," TwoBit offered, slinging an arm around Pony's shoulders.

"Sure, TwoBit. Hey, thanks for showing up," Pony said, grinning slightly.

"No problem, Pony. You know I got your back. And, just so you know, if you hadn't been there when the Socs said that about...well, about Johnny, I would've punched their lights out."

TwoBit wasn't joking, and Pony knew it. Even though he pretended to resent it, Pony was glad for TwoBit's protectiveness. He'd once told Pony he wasn't like the rest of them and not to try to be. TwoBit was right, and he wouldn't even let Pony try to be like anyone, except himself.

* * *

The bell above the door dinged, as Pony and TwoBit walked into the DX station. Steve was right behind them, rushing to clock in and join Soda at the counter.

"Hey, Soda!" Pony greeted.

"Hi, guys! Come to see me too?" Soda replied, referring to the two teenage girls pretending to read magazines, while actually ogling Soda.

"Nah. Came to get some Pepsis and candy bars, then we'll be out of your hair," TwoBit said, eyeing the candy.

"Just remember you got to pay for those," Soda commented, grinning.

"Are you accusing me of being a thief? Why, Sodapop Curtis! I've never been so offended!" TwoBit cried, pretending he was shocked he'd been accused of such a crime.

Soda laughed, glancing up at the girls staring at him. The one who was staring the most and whispering to her friend was a redhead, and her friend was a blonde. Soda rolled his eyes, as he rung up the drinks and candy Pony had handed him. He usually reveled in attention from the girls coming into the DX, but it bothered him today. He just didn't want to be watched for anyone's entertainment. He felt if they stared enough, they would be able to see the conflict inside of his head. With the way his friends and brothers were talking to him lately, he wondered if his eyes betrayed his buried emotions. Soda was distracted from his thoughts when he saw a car pull up to a gas pump outside.

"I got it, Stevie," Soda called, heading outside.

Steve usually chose the hands-on work with the cars over standing at this counter, but Soda did seem eager to get outside. Steve glanced at the girls still in the store. They were whispering now, and the redheaded one was scribbling something onto a slip of paper. He knew what it was since girls always swooned over Soda. Steve actually wasn't jealous because the ladies looked his way twice too when they heard he was Soda's best buddy.

"See you later, Steve," TwoBit said, taking a swig of Pepsi.

"Bye, man. Hey, Pony, tell Darry me and Soda might be going out tonight," Steve said.

"Oh! I just remembered! Remind Soda that one of Darry's work buddies is having a bunch of people over tonight. He's going to go for a while, and I might too. His buddy's got a couple of nephews my age. See ya!" Pony called, as TwoBit pulled him out the door, like he was in a hurry.

Steve shook his head at his friend and grinned. He watched Soda finish up with the car outside. The customer had just asked for the basic services of cleaning the windshield, filling the gas tank, and checking the oil. Before Soda could get to the door, the two girls stepped into his path. The pretty redheaded one handed Soda the slip of paper Steve knew had her phone number written on it. Soda appeared to be listening, but only nodded as she chatted away. The blond girl stood to the side, but looked to be listening intently. Soda smiled at the redhead, then waved as he ambled away to come back into the DX.

"Hey, man. That's a good looking chick. She give you her number?" Steve asked Soda, grinning at his best friend.

"Yeah, her name's Susan," Soda said, while he re-shelved the magazines the girls had been reading.

"You going to give her a call?" Steve wondered.

"I don't know." Soda shrugged.

The bell above the door dinged, signaling the arrival of a new customer, and Steve greeted them at the same time Soda spotted another car pulling up near the gas pumps. He didn't say anything this time, as he made his way outside to tend to the customer, leaving Steve to the cash register.

A/N The song lyrics belong to the Beatles, the Beach Boys, and the Temptations :)


	4. Chapter 4

Soda heard the shower come on, as he stood just inside his and Pony's bedroom closet. He opened the box that was at the top of a stack next to their dress clothes. Soda was searching for his old copies of _Car and Driver_ magazine.

"Hey, Soda!" Darry shouted over the running water.

"Yeah?" Soda called back, not looking up from the box.

"Could you grab me a clean towel from the laundry room?"

Soda made his way to the laundry room and pulled towel from the pile on the dryer. He opened the bathroom door and placed the towel on the sink. "Here, Dar!"

"Thanks, little buddy."

Soda closed the bathroom door and was walking back to his bedroom when he heard the shower go off.

"Hey, Soda, you know I'm headed to a buddy's house, right? I just came home to shower," Darry said, through the closed door.

"Yeah, I know."

Soda had gone back to rifling through the box in the closet and was distracted.

What all did we put in here? He wondered. There were some of Pony's old books, photos of Mickey Mouse, and even a few of their dad's things. Soda recognized Mr. Curtis' old coin collection that he used to show off to the boys. Next to it was his Roy Rogers pocket watch. Soda picked up the watch to hear it still ticking. He smiled at the memory of his dad. Soda looked in the box again, finally spotting three copies of _Car and Driver_ tucked beneath the photos of Mickey Mouse. He picked up the magazines and found another of his dad's belongings nestled in the corner of the box. Soda remembered the watch, but here was the Roy Rogers pocket knife that his dad had thought was so tuff. He had to agree, as he admired the cowboy cartoon and slid the blade open, then closed. Soda decided it would be good to keep something of his dad's with him, so he placed the knife in his jeans pocket. He then tossed the magazines onto the bed and was putting the box of mementos back into its spot in the closet.

Darry appeared in the doorway. "I'm going now, little buddy. I'll see you later tonight, okay?" he told Soda.

"Sure, Dar. Who's this buddy again?"

"Oh! His name's James. Pony might come too. I think he's still with TwoBit right now though. What are you and Steve up to tonight?"

"We might go to the drag races. I'm not sure. He'll be off work in a few minutes, and he'll come right over." Soda stretched out on the bed and flipping through one of the magazines.

"All right. Have fun. I think you could use it. I'll be back by 11. Stay out of trouble."

"Aw, Darry, how can we have fun without a little bit of trouble?" Soda joked, watching Darry walk away.

"Behave, little man!" Darry laughed, as he went out the front door to get in his truck.

Soda sighed, wishing he really did feel like going to the drag races and causing trouble. Darry didn't have a thing to worry about, and his big brother probably knew that. Soda turned his focus back to the car on the cover of one of the _Car and Driver_ magazines and thought about how he'd love to drive a car like that in a race. It was a Maserati Birdcage, and Soda was certain no one in Oklahoma could even dream of a car as tuff as that one. After glancing through the article and various pictures, Soda took a moment to contemplate the design and visualized how it would feel to drive in a real auto race, not just the amateur ones with the guys in Tulsa. Soda knew it would be better than he could even picture, but that didn't stop him from envisioning himself speeding around a track that would take him away from every conflicting and agonizing emotion that danced through his mind. Racing like that, he wouldn't feel anything but victory. Soda knew, however, that even if this were a possibility, the race would eventually end, and he'd be right back in his own thoughts, missing the feeling of that adrenaline rush. He looked over at Pony's desk and saw a stack of drawing paper. Soda wasn't even a little artistic, but what he was going to try didn't take much talent anyway. He took one sheet of paper and placed it over the magazine cover with the picture of the Maserati. He grabbed a pencil and slowly began to trace the outline of the car, letting his musings about a real auto race pull him in again, even though he knew the escape could only last a moment.

"Hey, Sodapop!" Soda heard Steve yell, as the door slammed. He put the paper inside the magazine and slid it carefully in the drawer closest to his side of the bed. Soda figured he could do more later.

Steve was popping open a can of Coke when Soda greeted him in the kitchen. Steve tossed a drink to him, and Soda popped it open, taking a sip.

"So what do you want to do?" Steve asked, looking in a cabinet, then opening the refrigerator.

"What are you looking for?" Soda asked, instead of answering Steve's question.

"I'm hungry, man. Maybe we can grab a bite before we do anything else." Steve closed the refrigerator and sat down at the table.

"Sure. We can head to the DQ and have some burgers."

"So do you want to hang out at the races tonight?"

Soda really didn't want to spoil the night, but he knew he didn't have the energy. Besides, being around a crowd of excited teenagers sounded overwhelming, especially when he just wasn't feeling it himself anymore. Soda wished he did.

Steve watched Soda's expression and knew his answer. "It's fine, Soda. I already told you we don't have to."

"Sorry, Steve. It's just I haven't been sleeping too good lately. And I guess I feel out of sorts. Savvy?"

"Sure. No big deal. Let's go grab some burgers." Steve said, slinging an arm around Soda's shoulders.

* * *

Steve and Soda sat on the hood of Steve's car in the parking lot of the DQ. Soda ate one more of his fries before offering the rest to Steve.

"Got a cigarette?" Soda asked.

Steve handed Soda the pack and a lighter before he ate the last of his burger and Soda's fries. As Soda lit his cigarette and took a long drag, Steve remembered the redhead from the DX. "You still got that chick's number?" he asked.

"Yeah," Soda replied, exhaling smoke.

Steve lit his own cigarette, wondering what else he could say. He was used to Soda talking much more than this. "You going to call her?"

Soda only shrugged and took another puff of his cigarette.

Steve hesitated before speaking again. "What's eatin' you, man? Is this something to do with Sandy?"

Soda contemplated this a minute before answering. Had he thought about Sandy much at all lately? She sure had been special to him, and he'd believed he loved her. It didn't matter, though, because she didn't even care enough anymore to open the last letters he'd written her after she went to Florida. Sandy had broken his heart at a time he was already struggling. Pony and Johnny were missing, and Soda was trying to hold both himself and Darry together. He did miss Sandy, but he also figured she had moved on without him. It wasn't his baby she was having, after all. Soda remembered those beautiful blue eyes, then shook his head. He also remembered Steve saying it seemed like Sandy was just too nice. Maybe he'd been right.

"Nah. I just don't feel like it. Got a lot on my mind," Soda decided to say.

Steve knew that since Soda was now bumming a second cigarette. He usually didn't smoke much. Even Pony had cut back lately. "Is Pony okay?" Steve asked, thinking of how it affected Soda when his little brother was hurt or in trouble.

Steve knew Pony believed that he didn't like him, but that simply wasn't true. As far as Steve was concerned, it was also irrelevant. Soda was like his brother, and that was all that mattered. Steve didn't have much of a relationship with his father. His mother had run off with another man when he was five years old. Steve had met Soda when they were seven years old. Over the last decade, Soda had rescued Steve's meaning of family. All of Steve's friends meant a lot to him, but especially Soda. The loyalty between them meant if one cared, so did the other. Steve told himself this was why he cared about Ponyboy.

"I think he is okay. I was worried about him before, but not so much now," Soda replied.

Steve had spent many hours with Soda when Pony was in Windrixville, and he'd made sure to stick around when Pony had gotten sick too. Soda had mostly stayed with Pony then, but Steve was always there whenever he needed a break. They had all been grieving deeply for Johnny and Dally, so they needed each other anyway. On top of that, they were worried about how sick Pony was with his concussion and fever. TwoBit had hardly left the Curtis' house for several days, and Steve had been no different. They'd both watched Darry and Soda care for their brother until he showed signs of recovering. It was at this time that Steve found himself feeling sympathy for the kid because he'd been so close to Johnny. He couldn't imagine losing Soda. Steve stared at his best friend, wondering what he could be thinking, then suddenly recognized the look in his eyes. Soda had seemed to be lost in fear and confusion the week Pony was gone. He'd lacked the motivation to do anything, and he cried often. The way Soda looked now reminded Steve of that awful time, and it made him reflect on the past several weeks, remembering how much more himself Soda had been once Pony started to recover. But had Soda ever fully returned to his happy-go-lucky self? Steve didn't think so. It was like Soda had been so caught up in how Pony was doing, he'd forgotten to make sure he was okay too. This was one reason Steve had stayed close to him. He wanted to make sure Soda had someone too since he'd constantly been there for Darry and then for Pony. Steve supposed what he was seeing now was the aftermath of all the loss and fear Soda had experienced in a rather short period of time.

"Can we just go back to my house, Steve?" Soda asked, breaking Steve from his musings.

"Sure," Steve said.

Soda got in the passenger seat of the car, while Steve slid into the driver's seat.

"Sodapop, if it's not Sandy or Pony, then what's going on in that head of yours?" Steve finally asked, starting the car.

"I guess...I guess I just don't feel right. And I don't know how to explain it. My head always feels like it's spinning, and my nerves are on edge," Soda said, before looking out the window and biting his lip.

"A lot has happened, buddy. It makes sense."

"Yeah, I guess." Soda yawned.

"Might help if you get some decent sleep too, man." Steve started the drive back to the Curtis' house.

"It would," Soda agreed, deciding not to mention the dreams he'd been having.

After Steve and Soda got back to the house, they both went inside. Steve turned on the TV, then went to find a deck of cards, while Soda took a seat on the couch. He found the cards on the floor of Pony and Soda's room and was thinking they could play a game of poker.

"Hey, Soda, do you-" Steve's question was interrupted, as he took in Soda's sleeping form.

He must be tired to fall asleep just like that. What's been going on at night around here? Steve wondered, plopping himself down on the floor next to Soda.

Steve began shuffling the cards, thinking he'd play a few games of Solitaire. He knew it wouldn't be a big deal if he just went home, but he really didn't want to leave Soda alone. Besides, his old man wouldn't miss him anyway.

Steve played several games of Solitaire, while Soda slept. He felt himself also getting sleepy, so he crawled onto the smaller sofa and drifted to sleep. The last thing he remembered hearing was the TV playing the Gilligan's Island theme song and thinking being stuck on a deserted island sounded like a tuff adventure. That is, as long as Soda and the gang were there too. That'd be one way to help Soda escape whatever was going on in his head.

* * *

"Steve, wake up!" Soda yelled.

What's happening? Steve wondered, opening his eyes with a start. He saw the frantic look on Soda's face, then glanced at the clock on the wall. It was a few minutes after midnight.

"My brother's aren't back yet, Steve. Darry said he'd be back by 11:00! You know he doesn't like to stay out very late." Soda voiced his concerns, as he paced the floor.

Steve yawned and sat up, then pulled Soda's arm to make him sit down next to him. "I'm sure they're fine, man. Don't worry. They'll be back soon. You know Darry. He can take care of himself and Pony," he said. "I'll be right back." Steve got up and headed to the bathroom.

Soda took a deep breath and closed his eyes, hoping he could relax. All he could think of is the night Pony came home late and how that had led to him running away. Of course, this wasn't like that, and Pony wasn't alone. He and Darry were together. But it still made Soda nervous. He also thought of their parents' accident. They'd been late coming home too. They hadn't come home at all. Soda shuddered at the memory.

When Steve sat back down next to Soda, he still had his eyes closed, but he was feeling more and more like he couldn't breathe well. Fear was beginning to strangle him.

Steve laid a hand on Soda's shoulder and squeezed. "Easy, Soda. Just breathe. I'm right here, and I'm sure they're fine. It's not that late. Give them some time."

"Okay. I'm trying. I'm scared, Steve." Soda voice was shaking.

Steve realized, without needing to ask, what Soda was scared of right now. He hated seeing his usually laid back buddy so worried. Steve had already known that Soda was dealing with more than he could or would tell him, but this confirmed his suspicions. Soda was nearly panicking. Steve looked into his wide eyes and could feel him shaking as if he were trying not to cry. This was so much more than a case of nerves and insomnia. Recent events had shaken his friend up more than he knew how to express, and all of those hidden emotions were beginning to seep out.

"It's okay, buddy. Try not to panic," Steve said, his hand still on Soda's shoulder.

Soda had started to relax a little when the ringing phone made both of them jump. Soda rushed to pick it up. "Hello?" he said into the receiver.

Steve saw the relief flood Soda's face and knew it must be Darry. Thank God, he thought.

"Yeah, Dar. I'm fine," Soda said.

Steve had to roll his eyes at that. Soda wasn't fine at all.

"Oh! Yeah, you should do that. You can fix it tomorrow. All right. I'll see you guys in the morning. Good night. Bye." Soda hung up and took a seat at the kitchen table, not saying another word.

"So? What's going on?" Steve asked.

"Darry's truck wouldn't start. He and Pony are just going to crash at James' house," Soda answered, breathing evenly now and appearing calmer.

"See? They're okay." Steve sat down in the chair next to Soda.

Soda smiled a little, but didn't add anything else. He felt relieved, but he hated that he had reacted so strongly.

"Soda, I know I told you this morning that you can talk to me, but I'm telling you again. You can tell me anything that's on your mind. You know I won't judge you, and nothing will change."

"I know. Just not now. I want to go to bed."

Soda honestly did know that, but he felt too emotionally drained to think anymore. He knew it was a long shot, but he couldn't help hoping he'd get a decent night's sleep and feel at least a little better tomorrow morning.


	5. Chapter 5

Darry slowly turned the door knob, peeking in at Soda. He saw his brother fast asleep on his and Pony's bed before he glanced around, walking farther inside. Next to Soda was a copy of a car magazine Darry remembered him reading before, and he smiled, as he moved it to the bedside table. He was about to wake Soda when he also saw their dad's old Roy Rogers pocket knife on the floor next to the bed. Darry wondered where Soda had found that, as he picked it up and placed it next to the magazine. He gently shook his brother's shoulder, and Soda's eyes blinked open.

"Hey, little buddy. We're home," Darry said.

Before Darry realized what was happening, Soda had wrapped his arms tightly around his neck. He was surprised but didn't hesitate in hugging him back.

"Rough night?" Darry asked, pulling away to look at Soda.

"Yeah, you could say that. So what happened? Did the truck start?" Soda quickly changed the subject.

"Yeah, it did. Just needed a new battery. I should've guessed. It had that old one a while. James drove me to find a new one this morning," Darry explained.

"Steve still here?"

"He is. He's up, but I think he's getting ready to go."

Soda followed Darry back into the living room, where Pony was reading a book. Soda sat down next to him, pulling his little brother into a one-armed hug. If Pony was surprised, he chose not to comment, hugging Soda back for a moment.

"What are you reading?" Soda wondered.

"It's _Lord of the Flies_. It's a book for my English class. I actually like it though," Pony replied.

"Of course you do! You always like those book no one can understand cause we ain't as smart as you!" Soda commented, laughing and playfully shoving Pony.

Darry was pulling out a box of Aunt Jemima pancake mix, milk, and eggs, having decided they could eat a late breakfast. It was almost noon, but he knew both Soda and Pony liked breakfast food any time of day. "You going to eat with us, Steve?" he asked.

"Thanks, man. I had a bowl of cereal earlier this morning," Steve said.

Steve appeared to be thinking about something, as he looked at Darry placing the frying pan on the stove, then glanced toward the living room, where they could hear Pony and Soda talking.

"Something on your mind?" Darry asked Steve.

Steve sighed, coming to stand next to him. "I can't say too much right now cause it's about Soda, but I need to talk to you later," he said, almost whispering.

Darry only nodded to show he'd heard Steve. He hadn't gotten Soda to say a whole lot, but maybe he'd talked more to Steve. Darry knew there must be more to it though because Steve wouldn't just come and tell him anything Soda had confided in him without a reason. He wouldn't risk the trust they shared. If Steve wanted to talk to him, it must be something Darry needed to know.

"See ya'll later!" Steve yelled, as he opened the front door.

"See you!" Soda hollered.

"I'll talk to you tonight, Superman," Steve said quietly, before letting the door slam shut.

Darry finished mixing the pancake batter, and poured some into the pan on the stove.

"Good morning, Curtises!" TwoBit announced, coming in and sticking his finger in the batter to have a taste.

"Hey!" Darry shouted, as he swatted TwoBit's head with the spatula.

"Easy there, Dar." TwoBit laughed.

"You should never come between a man and his breakfast, buddy," Soda declared, pulling a stack of plates from the cabinet and setting them on the table.

"You eating, TwoBit?" Darry asked, adding another pancake to the stack.

"Is the sky blue? Of course, I'm eating!" TwoBit said.

"Hey, Soda, where'd you find that old pocket knife of Dad's?" Darry asked, as he took the maple syrup from the refrigerator, and set it next to the stack of plates.

Soda looked startled for a moment, his eyes widening. "Um, there's a box in our closet full of all kinds of old stuff." he said. "It's no big deal. I just found it and thought I'd hang onto it, you know? Where's the chocolate syrup?"

Darry blinked at Soda with a curious expression before answering the question. "Just wondered, little buddy. Not a big deal at all. Chocolate syrup should be in the fridge too."

Soda mumbled something Darry couldn't hear before disappearing down the hall, forgetting all about the chocolate syrup.

"What was that about?" TwoBit questioned.

"I don't know," Darry answered, deciding not to make too much of the look on Soda's face when he'd asked about the pocket knife.

Darry wondered if Soda was perhaps embarrassed that he had been looking through old memories, not that he should be at all. Of course, Soda wasn't exactly being completely open with his feelings lately. Darry knew his brother was trying, but Soda himself had said he just didn't have the words to talk yet. Soda wasn't really very good at hiding things either. Anyone who knew him well could glean the truth from his eyes and expression. When Soda was happy, he was bright and cheery. A sad Soda, on the other hand, was the polar opposite. There was no in between. He was very clearly trying to make himself seem okay, and it hurt Darry to see Soda having to struggle to hang onto the little bit of the joy and lightheartedness that usually came so naturally. He hoped and prayed that Soda could find his way to some sort of consolation and healing.

Pony ambled into the kitchen, laying _Lord of the Flies_ on the counter. "It's such a nice day, Dar. You think we could go to the lot and play some football?" he asked his brother.

"Sounds good, Pone. You have to be on my team though. Soda can have TwoBit here," Darry told Pony, as he smiled and gestured to TwoBit.

"Aw, I'm not so bad at football!" TwoBit piped up, trying to defend himself.

"Last time we played, you fell into a mud puddle, trying to catch the ball!" Pony pointed out.

"Yeah, and you still didn't even come close to catching it." Soda joined the conversation, as he came back into the kitchen.

"All right. Let's let TwoBit redeem himself then. We eat first though," Darry said, taking a bite of his pancake.

* * *

TwoBit and Darry walked side by side behind Soda and Pony, who carried the football. It would only take a few minutes for them to reach the lot.

"Pony told me about those Socs at school messing with him. Thanks for looking out for him, TwoBit," Darry said.

"Aw, you know I'd do anything for that kid. It's no problem, Darry," TwoBit replied, though it did mean a lot to him for Darry to mention this.

Pony and Soda had run farther ahead of them, so Darry felt safe in asking his friend about Soda. "How does Soda seem to you?"

"He doesn't seem like Soda," TwoBit answered without hesitation.

Pony tossed the ball to Darry, as they arrived at the lot.

"All right. So me and Pony are a team. Soda, that leaves you and TwoBit," Darry announced.

They knew two to a team didn't make much of a football game, but it was something the guys had all enjoyed when Dally and Johnny had still been with them. They had also done this even before Mr. and Mrs. Curtis died. Getting out and playing a little game of football made them feel like there were still some things that hadn't changed completely. If Steve had been there, they would've played with uneven teams and still had fun. After all, it was only touch football, not a serious game.

Pony threw the ball, meaning for it to go to Darry. Soda intercepted it instead and tossed it toward TwoBit. He started forward, but tripped over his own feet in the process, toppling to the ground.

Soda laughed, watching TwoBit trying to get up and grab the ball before Darry could reach it. He had only come along because the others had wanted him to, but he realized it felt good to be outside burning up some energy. The physical effort was a welcome distraction, as the was ensuing entertainment.

Soda was still really tired, even though he hadn't had a nightmare last night. He had been awake at least a few hours after he said he was going to bed. Even without those horrible dreams disturbing him, he just couldn't relax enough to sleep a whole night. Darry had asked Soda about his night, and it had been rough, though he wouldn't know it wasn't just because of Soda's subconscious mind this time or even because of his brothers' lateness or absence. The near panic he had experienced certainly hadn't helped, but it wasn't all that had occurred. Soda hadn't wanted to disturb Steve's slumber in the middle of the night, but in hindsight, he knew he should've gotten his best friend up. If the situation had been reversed, Soda would tell Steve to wake him up. He had even gotten as far as going into the living room, hoping Steve would somehow sense his presence and open his eyes. He hadn't stirred though. Soda truly regretted what he had done instead when his fear of being alone had gotten tangled with the ever growing sadness in his soul. Soda absently traced the scar on his palm that the kitchen knife in the sink had left a couple of nights ago. He knew he couldn't tell anyone about this, but his desperation for comfort had simply gotten too great. Even though Soda knew he couldn't disclose the whole truth about his night, he wondered if he should go to Darry and try for more progress in talking about how he'd been feeling. Soda had to find the words he needed before this pain inside of him spiraled out of control.

* * *

Steve got out of his car, still wearing his DX uniform. Soda had come in to start his shift a couple of hours before Steve's was over, so he knew his friend wouldn't be home for a while. Steve made his way into the house and saw Darry coming out of his room.

"Hey, Steve. Pony's in his room, but let's go out on the back porch," Darry said, as he pulled open the screen door.

They both took a seat on the steps that led to the small backyard. Steve started to speak, then hesitated.

"I know Soda's not been himself, Steve." Darry spoke instead.

"Did he tell you anything about last night?" Steve asked.

"No. Nothing. Why?" Darry questioned, growing more concerned.

"We both dozed off kind of early. Soda woke me up later, and he was freaking out, man. It was midnight, and you and Pony weren't home."

Darry's mind flashed back to that morning when Soda had immediately hugged him when he was barely awake. He had indeed had a rough night. "Freaking out how?"

"I think he thought something had happened to you guys. He was all shaky and trying not to cry, and I think he would've hyperventilated if I hadn't been here. When you called, Soda said he was fine, and he wasn't at all. He was almost panicking." Steve tried to put what Soda had been like into words, though he felt he couldn't do it justice.

"What'd you do?"

"Just sat with him. Reminded him to breathe and that I was there for him. I kept telling him I was sure you guys were fine. He calmed down a lot after you called."

"I'm glad you were here, Steve."

"I hate talking about him behind his back like this, but I don't know what to do. I've never seen Soda look like that, Darry." Steve closed his eyes and shook his head.

"You're not. You're a good buddy. I needed to know."

"Just don't tell him I said anything. I was hoping he'd tell you first."

"I won't. I'll talk to him tonight and see if he will tell me. But, you know, he wouldn't be mad at you."

Steve sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I guess. I just wish I knew how to help him."

"I know the feeling. I've been trying, but he hasn't said much beyond being tired and nervous. He did say a lot has happened, and I think that's the key."

"There has to be so much more to it than that, but that's pretty much what he's said to me too. He just seemed so scared last night."

"Soda did mention something to me about being scared too, so it sounds like that wasn't the only time."

Darry wondered what else was lingering beneath Soda's anxious and melancholy demeanor, along with the fear he couldn't seem to express. He tried to picture what Steve had described, but he could scarcely envision Soda in such a state. Darry was certain that if it had bothered Steve this much, the picture in his head couldn't begin to portray what he had witnessed.


	6. Chapter 6

Darry looked in on Pony before going to his room, intending to change into night clothes before staying up to wait for Soda to get home. Pony had gotten ready for bed early since he had wanted to do more reading. Darry had read the same book in high school, but he hadn't been nearly as fascinated as Pony seemed to be. He had to admit though that reading was good for Pony. It was a distraction that also burned up mental energy that Darry knew could've had a negative impact on his little brother after everything he had been through. He also knew that it was good for Pony to have a focus, and school provided that for him. Pony had been worried about Soda lately, as well, but Darry could see that it wasn't consuming him, and for that, he was thankful. It wouldn't help Soda at all if Pony started to sink along with him. Darry honestly didn't know if Pony grasped the full extent of what had been going on with their brother, but he figured that may be a good thing.

Darry was pulling on an undershirt from the dresser when he heard a soft knock at his door. "Come in," he said, hoping it was Soda.

Darry felt it would be better if his brother came to him first. Soda would be more likely to talk, in that case. He saw his middle brother's face peek into the room.

"Dar, can we talk? Please?" Soda asked softly, eyes looking to the floor.

"Of course, little buddy. Get in here," Darry said.

Soda came in and closed the door, but still stood in the center of the room.

"Come sit down with me." Darry spoke again, sitting down on his bed.

Soda sat down next to him, appearing unsure about where to start. He was opening and closing his mouth, while fidgeting and looking at the rug. Darry decided to begin the conversation to try to draw whatever Soda wanted or needed to say out of him.

"Hey, Sodapop, look at me," Darry said, then waited until he saw Soda's eyes looking into his own. "You can talk to me. You know that. There's nothing to worry about, and you know I'd sit here with you all night if it would help." He touched Soda's shoulder.

Soda sighed before seeming to find the words he needed. "I've just felt so lost after everything that happened," he said, his eyes already filling with tears.

"Okay. Keep going. I know you need to, and that's why I'm here," Darry said, encouraging Soda, as he reached out to stroke his hair.

"First, Mom and Dad. Then, Dally and Johnny. And we almost lost Pony too, Darry. We almost lost him more than once. I had to be strong for you and for Pony, and I have no strength left for me." Soda voiced his feelings, his tone full of a sadness that had been aching for a way to express itself.

"Oh, Soda, I never wanted you to do that to yourself. Pony didn't either. We're here for you too. I could never repay you for helping me through the week he was gone or for sticking by my side when we lost Mom and Dad. You were amazing, little buddy, and that's because you're you, and you were always there. I'm sorry I didn't see that you needed more from me too." Darry felt his own eyes swell with tears.

"But Pony was caught up in everything. And you...you had to step up and take care of us. I just felt so stuck in the middle of it all and like I was being pulled apart. I'm still not sure where I fit now." Soda shook his head, closing his eyes, as the cries he'd been trying to keep back finally came to the surface.

Darry pulled Soda close to him, wrapping both arms around his little brother, hoping to be both the shelter and the comfort he needed so much in that moment. Soda clung to him, sobbing into his shoulder and hugging back, like Darry was the lifeline that could rescue him from drowning in all the emotions he had holding him hostage.

"Pepsi Cola, we need you. I need you. You fit right here with me and Pony. And don't forget, you're such a good friend too. Both Steve and TwoBit think the world of you. Pony adores you more than anything. Please don't ever think you don't have a place with all of us. You're an incredible brother, and we love you, Soda. I don't know what I'd do without you," Darry said, holding Soda tighter, as he heard him cry more at these words.

"I'm still so scared, Darry. I just want to feel better. It hurts so much."

"Shh. It's going to be okay. You can cry all you need to now. I'm not going anywhere, and nothing could make me. I've got you, and I promise I won't let you feel hurt or scared all by yourself anymore."

After several moments, Soda pulled away and wiped his eyes.

Darry observed his brother and could feel the guilt he'd first experienced the night he'd hit Pony come rushing back. How could he not have seen that was already hurting much more than he would let on then? Darry had been so often at odds with Pony at that time and for months before, but he had assumed Soda was doing okay. However, now, he knew their middle brother had simply bottled up his own pain and grief over their parents, then attempted to cope the same way again when Pony had taken off after their fight. Darry had always known that Soda took it hard when Pony wasn't home with them, but he had definitely underestimated the effect it would have on him, even after Pony came back. No wonder Soda had broken down and run out himself when Darry and Pony fought that next time, just after Dally and Johnny's deaths. In Soda's mind, he must've been afraid much more than a fight was about to happen yet again. He was right that they had almost lost Pony, and the whole gang had lost two good friends.

"Darry, when you and Pony were late last night, I was scared. I thought something had happened to you," Soda said suddenly, interrupting Darry's reflections.

"Oh, I'm sorry, little buddy. I should've called sooner," Darry apologized. He was glad that Soda chose to tell him about this. He didn't want his brother to hide anything now.

"Steve was here, and after you did call, I felt so embarrassed about how I was acting. He was right. You guys were fine, and it wasn't that late. I just couldn't help it though. I couldn't stop shaking and thought I'd cry any minute, then it felt like I couldn't catch my breath." Soda laid his head on Darry's shoulder, still needing the comfort.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Soda. And Steve is your best friend. I'm sure he's just glad he was here to help." Darry decided to keep his talk with Steve to himself. He rubbed Soda's back, continuing to listen.

"It was a horrible night. I wasn't so freaked out anymore when I knew what was going on, but still overwhelmed, I guess. And I tried to feel better. I really did. That's all I was trying to do."

Darry thought Soda sounded like he almost pleading with his big brother to believe what he was saying. He couldn't help but wonder if there was more Soda was trying to tell him, and he had yet again found himself unable to express what was on his mind. "It's okay, little buddy. You haven't done anything wrong."

"But I should've...I just..."

"What?" Darry hoped Soda would say whatever he was thinking, but also didn't want to push him.

"Nothing. Thanks, Dar. For listening." Soda sighed and closed his eyes.

"No problem. I'm always here for you. Please don't forget that. And, Soda, don't bottle your feelings up anymore. Talk to me. If I need to, I'll ask you everyday how you're doing, and I want you to be honest. Okay?" Darry pulled away to look into Soda's still teary eyes.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. It just happened before I even knew, and I didn't know what to do," Soda apologized, then looked away.

"I'm not blaming you, Pepsi Cola. I didn't mean it like that. I just want to make sure you take care of yourself, and I want to help you."

Soda nodded to show he was listening, and Darry continued, leaning forward to meet his brother's gaze. "You don't have to hide anything. My door is always open, and there's nothing you can't tell me. No matter what's going on around here, you and Pony are my first priority."

Darry needed Soda to know that he wouldn't stand by and let him hurt. He wouldn't let him suffer alone. His brother had clearly done that enough. Soda needed love and support, and Darry was determined to be there for him and help him in any way he could. Soda's sense of stability and security had been shaken, and Darry would be there with him to help him heal and feel safe again.

* * *

Soda stared at the pot of water on the stove, waiting for it to boil. He wasn't much of a cook, but he did know watching the water wouldn't make it boil any faster. He just didn't have a good way to occupy his thoughts at the moment. He kept thinking about his conversation with Darry the night before. Soda had already known his big brother would be there to listen to him, but it still meant a lot to him to hear Darry say the words aloud. He had made it abundantly clear that he would be there to help Soda unconditionally. He had promised he wouldn't let him hurt alone. Those words had brought some solace to Soda, and he knew Darry meant it when he said he could tell him anything. He was also grateful for the way Darry had responded to the words and emotions that had finally tumbled out of him when he started talking. Soda still had so much more to say, but being able to give a voice to the grief, sadness, and fear that he'd been feeling so intensely was still a relief.

Soda saw the water begin to bubble and opened the box of spaghetti noodles before wandering back into his musings. He was grateful for Darry's determination to help, but appreciated the fact that he hadn't pushed when Soda couldn't figure out what to say. He didn't actually want to hide anything from Darry, but he couldn't tell him what else was going on yet. How was he going to tell his big brother that he had hurt himself? How was he going to say that he had cut himself purposely? Soda really had been just trying to feel better, to feel anything that wasn't the sadness that had enveloped him. Part of him wanted to tell Darry, but another part continuously insisted that he had to keep the secret. He had believed at first that he didn't need to tell anyone because it was only one time, but one time had already turned into three. Soda found he still wanted to hurt himself, and he didn't really understand it. He only knew that it made him feel a calming sense of release and relief. The brief respite only lasted for a few seconds, but it felt was oddly like some sort of rush. He felt guilty every time he did it, but that seemed to only fuel the desire to hurt himself again. He was struggling to admit the problem to himself, gradually grasping that he had cut himself once and started something he didn't know how to stop.

The front door opened just as Soda was pouring the spaghetti noodles into the fully boiling water. Darry came in, carrying two bags full of groceries. Pony followed with two more bags.

"Pony, come on, stop with the silent treatment," Darry said.

Pony didn't say anything, as he started putting groceries away.

"I don't know why he said that to me, okay? Can we please just let it go?" Darry tried again to get his brother to speak to him.

"What happened?" Soda questioned, finding the new jar of spaghetti sauce.

"Do you remember my old-" Darry started to say before Pony interrupted him.

"I'll tell you what happened, Soda. Darry ran into his old football coach at the grocery store. You know, Coach Miller? I heard him telling Darry to give him a call when he's done 'playing daddy.' He said he knows some people, and there are other options," Pony explained, rolling his eyes.

"Huh? Why would he say that?" Soda asked, puzzled.

"He was just being a jerk. He said it's such a shame I didn't go to college, and it's not too late. He was trying to say I should let him know when I want to do that, instead of taking care of you two," Darry clarified.

"All right. So what are you so mad about, Pony? Darry couldn't stop the guy from saying that, and he doesn't know what he's talking about," Soda said, as he stirred the spaghetti.

"Cause you should've said something, Darry. You just stood there!" Pony insisted.

"What was I supposed to say? I was stunned, and he walked away before I could even speak! Besides, we were in the middle of the store," Darry replied, rubbing his head that was beginning to ache.

"I don't know. But don't you ever think about it? About other options? About going to college?" Pony questioned, starting to raise his voice.

"What? No! You are Soda are my family. You know that, Pony. What's gotten into you?" Darry said, also raising his voice.

"I just think there's no way you wouldn't want better than this. You could've sent us to a boys' home and-" Pony was saying, when Soda interrupted.

"Stop it, Pony! Stop letting what some jerk said get in your head!" Soda snapped, unable to listen to Pony go on anymore.

"But Soda-" Pony tried.

"No. I know you worried Darry didn't really care before, but you know now that he does. Don't go back to thinking he doesn't want you," Soda said, as he turned off the burner.

Darry found himself unable to say anything, as he watched his brothers argue back and forth. He hadn't expected Soda to get in the middle of this at all, but he had jumped in with both feet. The conversation at the grocery store had been infuriating to Darry because he felt his old coach had been way out of line to suggest he give up his brothers, but he had no idea Pony would get so worked up over it.

"Why aren't you on my side?" Pony asked, not realizing he was crossing a line with Soda.

"Oh, Pony, don't go there..." Soda said fiercely, shaking his head.

"Hey, Soda, it's okay. Just leave it," Darry put in, hoping to defuse the tension in the room.

"Pony, don't you get it? I'm on both your sides. I always was. You just never knew what I said to Darry when you weren't around. I always had his back too. I can't just back you up when you're wrong!" Soda exclaimed, disappointed with the direction of this argument.

"But Soda, you always understand me. You always listen," Pony insisted.

"And I still do, Pony. I get it, and I hear you. But you can't be so hard on Darry. Come on. You guys are past this. Don't look for reasons to think he doesn't want you," Soda tried to reason.

"But you always stick up for me..." Pony let himself trail off.

"Well, look what happened last time I stuck up for you when you were fighting with Darry," Soda pointed out, feeling irritated.

Soda turned away from Pony, pretending to focus on draining the spaghetti that he'd almost forgotten about during this heated discussion. He hated thinking about the night Pony ran away, but that last comment had just rolled off his tongue before he could stop it.

"Pony, we'll talk about this later," Darry told his little brother, eyeing Soda curiously.

"Why not now?" Pony asked, clearly not as done with this as both of his brothers were.

"Cause I said later." Darry insisted. "Look, you've got school tomorrow. Go finish up your homework."

Pony shuffled away, though he still wanted to argue. However, he was beginning to realize he was indeed being too hard on Darry. He hated it when Darry was too hard on him, but here Pony was now doing the same thing to him. He knew Darry loved and wanted him, but the coach's words had struck a nerve. Pony also hadn't anticipated Soda getting involved, and he certainly hadn't expected him to jump in and point out how wrong he was.

"Soda..." Darry started.

"Don't worry, Darry. I'm okay. Let's just eat," Soda said, grinning slightly.

"Are you sure, little buddy? It's already not like you to step into our arguments, but what you said just then about sticking up for Pony? I didn't know you thought of it that way."

"It just slipped out. It's not something I think about too much. Can I tell you later? I don't feel like it right now."

"All right. Thanks for what you said though, about having my back."

"Aw, you already knew that, Darry." Soda smiled and handed Darry a plate of spaghetti.

"I did, but it's good to hear. I'll talk to Pony again when he isn't so upset. Coach Miller never did have a filter."

Darry shook his head, remembering the coach's comments. He really did understand why it upset Pony, but he couldn't control what other people chose to say. Darry knew now that Pony must still need reassurance. The kind of worries and feelings he'd had didn't go away overnight. He contemplated this, as he looked at Soda again. The sadness he'd expressed the night before couldn't have resolved that easily either.


	7. Chapter 7

Soda knocked on the door, waiting for Pony to look up from the drawing he was working on that evening.

"It's your room too, Soda," Pony said, sketching a mane on the horse he had drawn.

"Pony, I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have snapped at you," Soda apologized, taking a seat in the chair next to Pony's desk.

"It's really okay. You were right anyway. I'm sorry I brought up you being on either of our sides. I was a jerk. I talked to Darry, and I told him I know he isn't sorry he chose us over college. And I _do_ know that. Stupid coach just really struck a nerve," Pony explained, as he closed his sketch book.

"I knew he did. So you're not doubting Darry?"

"No. It's just it's hard to accept because I feel like he must still have dreams, you know? I told him I was sorry for being so hard on him. I hated even thinking about what that guy said, and I took it out on Darry."

"Darry loves both of us, Pony. You just have to remember that. Maybe he does still have dreams, but that doesn't mean he's going to leave." Soda tossed his arm around Pony's shoulders.

Soda had always been one to comfort and encourage Pony, but he was finding that talking to his little brother like this also soothed him.

Pony was resting his head against Soda's shoulder when he spoke again. "Hey, Soda? Does the night I ran away still bother you?" he asked, recalling Soda's last comment during their argument.

Soda sighed before answering, searching for the way to say what he was thinking. "It does. I wish it didn't, and I try not to think about it too much, but that was a horrible night, a horrible week."

"No, I mean my fight with Darry, not the rest of it. I already know that's still bothering you."

"Well, I guess it does."

Pony lifted his head from Soda's shoulder and reached over to grab the _Car and Driver_ magazine Soda had found a couple of days before. He opened it to the page where Soda had left the drawing paper. "I like this," he said.

"I mostly just traced it," Soda insisted.

"Still. I know you love cars. Everyone knows that. So you could trace it like you did here, then maybe color in the details or design any way you want to. See?" Pony gestured to the drawing and then the picture on the magazine cover before continuing.

"You have the outline, and you could make it striped or something here." Pony pointed to Soda's drawing again.

"Striped? Maybe it should have polka dots."

Pony laughed. "Or both," he added.

"I don't even know what I was thinking doing this. I'm not artistic at all. Not like you," Soda said, shaking his head.

"You don't have to be. Just put what's in your head on paper. It's not about being artistic or even good at it; it's just about being you."

Pony stood and picked up his sketch book, then unzipped his backpack. Soda stared at his little brother, amazed by the fact that Pony had brought him a little light of encouragement when he couldn't have possibly known he needed it.

* * *

Steve watched Soda's eyes drifting closed, as he stood behind the counter at the DX. "Sodapop, wake up!" he yelled, waving his hand in front of Soda's face.

Soda started, his eyes popping open. "I'm awake," he mumbled.

"Honestly, I'm worried about you, buddy," Steve said, touching Soda's shoulder.

As Steve stood at the cash register ringing up the drinks and snacks a woman and a little girl were purchasing, he noticed Soda didn't even tell him not to worry.

"He looks sleepy, mommy," the little girl commented innocently.

Soda gave her a smile. She couldn't have been more than seven years old.

The little girl spoke again. "You should go home, so your mommy can tuck you in."

Soda felt a pang in his heart at the thought of his mom. This little girl had no idea how right she was. He did need his mom.

"You should go home, man. There's not much going on here, and you get off sooner than I do anyway. TwoBit should be by soon, and he'll have his car. I'm sure he'll drive you home," Steve said, as the little girl and her mom walked out to the parking lot.

Soda yawned, while nodding his head.

"Are you still not sleeping well, or are you sick?" Steve wondered.

"Just not sleeping much."

The bell above the door dinged, signaling TwoBit's arrival.

"Man, can you take Soda home?" Steve asked.

"Sure. You okay?" TwoBit asked Soda.

"Yeah. Just tired," Soda replied, shrugging his shoulders.

Steve met TwoBit's eyes and shook his head, as if to say this is much more than just being tired. TwoBit nodded his head and looked at Soda again, thinking he couldn't remember ever seeing him look this exhausted. Soda hadn't slept much the week Pony had been gone either, but even that hadn't taken such a toll on him. TwoBit realized it wasn't even only his physical appearance that was concerning. A stranger could look at Soda and see someone who had maybe been up too late for nights in a row, but those who knew him well could look at his eyes and see they weren't the same. They used to dance with happiness and carefree recklessness. Soda's expression no longer portrayed the friend TwoBit had known for several years now. He could still see that Soda sometimes, just enough to know he was still in there somewhere, but it was like he was lost within himself.

"I'll get that before I go," Soda said, as he saw a car pull up by the gas pumps.

"Oh, no. I got it. You just go with TwoBit," Steve insisted.

Soda didn't even protest. He simply clocked out, then followed TwoBit to his outside. Steve saw them leave, as he cleaned the car's windshield and filled it with gas. He had lost count of how many times he'd asked himself what all was going on with his best friend. What concerned him the most now was that time kept going by, and Soda didn't seem like he was getting any better.

TwoBit followed Soda into the Curtis' house, fully intending to stay to take sure he managed to get some rest.

"You don't have to stay, TwoBit. I'm just going to sleep," Soda said, as he took off his DX cap and lie down on the couch.

Soda's eyes closed, as he fell asleep almost instantly, and TwoBit went to the hall closet to get a blanket. He draped it over his friend, then took a beer from the refrigerator before going out on the front porch.

"Hey, Pony," TwoBit called, as he saw his younger friend coming toward the house.

"What are you doing here, TwoBit?" Pony asked, walking up the porch steps.

"I brought Soda home from the DX," TwoBit replied, taking a sip of beer.

"Is he okay?"

"He's really tired. Looks like he's hardly slept in weeks. He's asleep on the couch now."

"Yeah, he doesn't know I know, but I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, and he isn't there. It's caught up with him," Pony said, as he quietly entered the house.

Pony sat down on the floor near Soda's feet and pulled his science textbook from his backpack. He glanced at Soda's sleeping face and couldn't help smiling. Even in his exhausted slumber, Soda could make him smile. Pony thought of how his brother had done so much for him, and he wished he knew how to help him too.

Pony heard Darry's truck pull into the driveway before he went back to reading his text. He was turning a page when Darry appeared next to Soda.

"I know he was up last night at like three in the morning. I don't know for how long," Pony said.

"Yeah, he and I have crossed paths at odd hours lately." Darry sighed.

"He's going to be okay, Dar,"

Soda began moving and mumbling in his sleep, and Darry got closer, wiping away the lone tear that slipped down his brother's cheek.

"You have to keep talking to me, little buddy," Darry whispered, ruffling Soda's hair.

"He's Sodapop. He's always going to be okay," Pony said again.

Darry didn't know if Pony was trying to convince him or himself, but he longed for that kind of simplicity.

* * *

A few hours went by while Soda slept, but as he slowly opened his eyes, he first remembered early that morning. He blinked, thinking about how he'd pressed the knife's blade against his skin until it bled yet again. Soda squeezed his eyes shut, against the memory that only kept repeating itself. How could he keep doing this? He knew he had to stop, but he was scared he wouldn't be able to do it. Soda wondered what else he could do every time his skin crawled with the urge to cut. That feeling was becoming all too familiar, and it overwhelmed him, as his skin tingled with a pins and needles sensation that only disappeared once he cut again. He would get fidgety and look outwardly nervous, as he told himself he wouldn't do it again. Only then, he still would. Soda had grief, fear, and sadness still screaming at him, and the rest of what he was feeling, he didn't even know how to name. He was struggling to give these nameless emotions a voice, and he told himself when he managed to do that, then he wouldn't cut anymore. Soda couldn't deny that it helped numb him, but he also had to admit that this misguided attempt at comfort was ultimately making him feel worse. He had been trying to silence his emotions, but now, it seemed they were gaining strength. He felt guilty for getting caught in this cycle. Soda thought of his dad and how he would be so disappointed. When he had found that pocket knife in the closet, this certainly hadn't been his intention, and now, he wished his dad could tell him what to do. Like he had many times before, Soda thought about telling Darry. As far as he could tell, no one suspected anything. It hadn't even been difficult to hide since fall weather in Tulsa was rather cool. He wore long sleeves all the time, and no one even noticed. Soda was beginning to hope someone would ask the questions that would make him tell his secret.

"Hey, buddy. You're awake. Feel any better?" Steve's voice broke into Soda's thoughts.

"More awake than earlier," Soda said, as he sat up and glanced at the darkness outside.

"You're up," Darry stated, before taking the blanket from Soda folding it up.

"I'm trying anyway," Soda replied, yawning.

"Little buddy, you have to find something that'll help you sleep. That's getting out of hand," Darry said.

Yeah, _that's_ what's getting out of hand here, Soda thought. "But I don't know what," he said aloud.

"We'll think of something. Is there anything you want to talk about?" Darry asked.

Yes, Soda thought, but he just shook his head.

Darry didn't seem convinced, but he didn't add anything else.

"You going to be okay to work tomorrow?" Steve asked, reminding Soda he was still there.

"Yeah, I should be," Soda answered.

"Okay. I'll see you in the morning," Steve said, looking like he wanted to say more, but he only patted Soda's back.

Darry met Steve's eyes with a questioning gaze, but Steve shrugged, silently telling him he still didn't know what else was going on with Soda either.

* * *

Soda strode down the sidewalk toward Darry's current work site. He had gone home for lunch and found that Darry must've forgotten his own lunch that morning. Wanting to do something helpful for his big brother, Soda had taken the sack lunch and started walking in the direction of the neighborhood where he knew Darry would be working on patching up a roof.

When Soda arrived, he spotted Darry hammering nails into the roofing, surrounded by several of the coworkers he had met before. "Hey, Darry!" he called, waving the sack lunch.

"Thanks, Soda! I'll be down in a minute!" Darry shouted back.

Before Soda could say another word, Darry stood and started to walk toward the ladder. He didn't see the bundle of roofing in his path, and he caught his foot on it. Darry saw Soda's face turn pale, as he toppled over, landing just a few feet from the roof's edge.

"Woah, you okay there, Curtis?" Darry's buddy, James, asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Darry answered, as he eased himself up. What a great thing for Sodapop to see, he thought.

Darry looked toward where his brother had been standing and saw that Soda had covered his face and turned away.

"Curtis, you better take your break, and go check on your brother. Looks like you scared him to death," James said, also watching Soda.

Darry quickly climbed down the ladder and ran in Soda's direction, only stopping when he stood right in front of him. "Sodapop, I'm okay. See? Not a scratch," he said, holding up both of his hands for Soda to see, then placing them on his shoulders.

Soda still stood, as if frozen, but he opened his eyes to look at Darry.

"Come on, little buddy. Let's get you away from here," Darry said, as he led Soda to the other side of the house, away from his coworkers' curious stares.

Darry sat down on the steps at the back of the house and pulled Soda along with him. His brother still covered his face with his hands and hadn't spoken a word.

"Come on, Soda. You're scaring me now too," Darry said, as he reached over to cover Soda's hands with his own. "Everything's fine, Pepsi Cola," he added.

Soda moved slightly to hold tightly to one of Darry's hands, and some color started to return to his face. "Please be careful, Darry. I can't lose you too," he said softly.

"I will. I promise," Darry said, as he saw a few tears begin to slip down Soda's cheeks.

Seeing this, Darry couldn't help but think that Soda cried so often lately. Yet, this time, he couldn't even hear the tears in his brother's voice when he spoke. It was as if part of Soda was still crying, but the rest of his usually happy brother was simply numb.


	8. Chapter 8

That evening, Darry found Soda stretched out on the front porch swing with his eyes closed. He opened one eye to peak at Darry before speaking. "Before you ask, I'm okay, Dar," he said.

"Good to hear, but there's something else I want to ask you," Darry said, as he pulled a chair up next to the swing.

That got Soda's attention, as he opened his eyes and sat up. "Okay?" he replied, both curious and worried.

"Did something happen that I don't know about?"

"Like what? What do you mean?"

"I mean, did someone hurt you or anything like that?"

"What? No! Of course not!"

Soda wouldn't admit to Darry that he was actually on the right track. Something _had_ happened that he didn't know about, but it wasn't someone else hurting Soda. He was doing that all by himself.

"It's just..." Darry paused, looking for words. "You're not sleeping enough, and it's showing. And then what happened today..." He sighed. "I'm not saying it isn't understandable, but you're so on edge all the time, and I've seen you cry a lot lately. I know what you told me a few nights ago, but I feel like there's more because you're not getting better; you're getting worse."

"I promise, nothing like that happened, okay? No one did anything. Yeah, there is more, but I can't talk about it yet cause I don't get it myself," Soda tried to explain, pulling his gaze away from Darry's face.

Soda was thinking about the fact that he was mostly telling the truth. He really didn't get it and couldn't talk about it, but he understood Darry's suspicion. He almost wished Darry would shift his thoughts just a little and ask a question closer to the truth. If that happened, Soda knew he wouldn't be able to lie, but Darry would never suspect Soda was his own victim, not someone else's.

"I had to ask, little buddy," Darry said softly.

"I'm sorry, Darry. I'm trying. You have to believe me."

"I know, and I do believe you. I'm just trying to help, and I can't if I don't know what's happening."

Soda started fidgeting restlessly. He rubbed his face, tapped his fingers on the swing, and began biting a fingernail.

Darry watched, as Soda then clenched his fists, appearing to be digging his fingernails into his palms. "Are you nervous or what?" he asked, not knowing he was seeing something bigger than that.

Soda only shook his head, as he shakily reached into his pocket for a cigarette and a lighter. This was another thing Darry had noticed Soda was doing more of lately.

"Did you sleep any better last night?" Darry asked, beginning to think his questions sounded like a broken record by now.

Soda shrugged, as he lit the cigarette and took a puff, inhaling then exhaling the smoke.

"I think that's a lot of the problem, Sodapop," Darry said, realizing this really wasn't getting anywhere, but still feeling like he needed to say something.

Soda kept taking drags off the cigarette, as he looked away from Darry and tapped his foot incessantly.

"Is there anything I can-" Darry started, before Soda interrupted him.

"I don't know, Darry. I just toss and turn, then I dream and can't sleep again. Don't you think I'd fix it if I could?" Soda snapped.

"You know I don't mean it like that."

"I know. I'm sorry." Soda softened his voice.

"Look, why don't you go take a hot shower? Then, I'll try giving you a back rub. It always helps me relax when you do that for me," Darry suggested.

Soda felt himself become defensive. "I'll go take a shower, but no back rub."

"Okay. I won't make you. Just an idea." Darry was holding his hands up, as if in surrender.

"It's just..." Soda paused. "I don't know. Never mind," he stumbled, realizing he couldn't explain without telling Darry the whole truth.

Soda couldn't say that he didn't want a back rub because then Darry would see the cuts on his arms. He couldn't be around anyone without a shirt on now, not even his brothers. Darry was only wanting to help, and Soda couldn't let him. Darry was used to being able to do something, taking action, and gaining some sort of control. In that moment, Soda's thoughts tumbled over one another, as he realized he was a lot like Darry. He wanted control too, but unfortunately, his attempt at action had led to losing even more control in his life. He couldn't protect his brothers or his friends from harm or calm his spiraling emotions, and now, he also couldn't stop wanting to cut.

* * *

It was late afternoon when Steve climbed up the steps of the Curtis' house. He'd had a fight with his dad yet again. He didn't intend on going back home for at least the rest of the day. Steve knew Darry was working later than usual, and Pony had mentioned something about going to the library and the movie house, but he thought Soda may be home.

Steve quietly opened the front door, making sure it didn't slam. Soda could be asleep, and he wouldn't want to disturb him. He ambled almost silently into the hallway and stopped when he got to Pony and Soda's bedroom door. Steve slowly pushed it open. "Sodapop! What the hell!" he exclaimed, when he saw Soda.

Steve stopped cold, unable to move, as he stared at his best friend on his bed with a knife pressed against his upper arm. Wasn't that Mr. Curtis' old Roy Rogers pocket knife? That's what Soda had been doing with it?

Soda looked up, equally as speechless, as he tossed the knife aside and yanked his shirt sleeve down, as if that would erase what had just happened.

Steve looked into Soda's eyes and saw an almost trance-like gaze. He felt his own head spin, as he thought he must have been going crazy because Soda would never hurt himself like that. Or would he? He suddenly saw all the pieces click into place, as he thought of how down his best friend had been for weeks. Steve had known Soda wasn't getting better with the passage of time, and maybe this was one reason why.

"It's not what it looks like!" Soda yelled, breaking the tense silence.

Steve would've laughed at this statement, if the circumstances hadn't been so serious. "Not what it looks like? You mean I didn't just see you cutting your arm with that knife? Am I hallucinating, or were you just trying to find out how sharp the blade is?" he yelled back, unable to hold back his sarcasm and beginning to see red.

"Yes, but-" Soda started, before Steve interrupted him.

"No! Then it is what it looks like!"

Soda stood and started to walk past Steve, but his best friend reacted and pushed him back onto the bed.

"Sit down! You're not going anywhere, man!" Steve shouted, feeling as if he could lose control if he didn't manage to rein in the anger that covered the fear he didn't want to acknowledge yet.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Soda questioned.

"My old man kicked me out again. What's new? My question, the important one here, is what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Soda felt shocked at Steve's tone, as he discovered his defenses were now down. He didn't have to hide anymore. It was over. The secret was out, and he knew Steve wouldn't keep it to himself. Soda was both fearful and relieved.

Steve observed Soda's expression change, and he could see a little light returning in place of the trance-like look that had covered his face when Steve had first entered the room. He wasn't ready to let go of his anger just yet though. "Answer me! I've tried to get you to talk to me. You wouldn't, but you do this? Why? And how long has this been going on?"

"Not long. I swear! Almost a week. And I don't know. I just wanted to feel better." Soda found he couldn't look at Steve anymore.

"So since when? Thursday?" Steve was not yet willing to admit that answer was actually a relief.

"Friday night," Soda looked down and waited for Steve to realize what that meant.

Steve's mind flashed back to the Friday night before when Pony and Darry had been late coming home, and Soda had nearly panicked. Did that mean he had been there when Soda cut the first time? "As in when I was here after we went out?"

Soda nodded silently, fearing Steve's reaction to this revelation.

Steve shook his head in disbelief, trying to comprehend this reality, while wishing he were dreaming. He had been there when his best friend decided to hurt himself. He had been just across the house.

"You were asleep on the couch. I did almost get you up, but-" Soda started to explain.

"What? Come on, Soda. I could've helped. And Darry's been trying to help you." Steve was beginning to raise his voice again.

"What could I do? Wake you up in the middle of the night and tell you I thought hurting myself sounded like a great idea?" Soda tried to defend the decision he still regretted.

"Yes! Or just talked or something. Anything but that!"

"I know! What do you think I've been telling myself? There's nothing you can say to me that's worse than what I keep hearing in my own head! I feel crazy, Steve. But you know what? That doesn't hurt" Soda gestured to the knife before continuing. "nearly as much as this!" he cried, pointing to his heart.

Steve suddenly seized Soda's shirt sleeve and yanked it back up. He froze at what he saw, but he'd needed to confirm what he was hearing. Steve was having trouble believing the conversation they were having. "Soda..." he breathed, as he felt the last of the anger drain out of him.

"I'm-"

"No, I can't do this right now. I need a walk." Steve grabbed the offending knife, keeping it from Soda.

"Wait, Steve..." Soda trailed off, feeling tears in his eyes.

"I'll be back, okay?" Steve spoke quietly, having found he couldn't yell anymore.

All the fight in Steve was gone, and he was succumbing to the feelings he'd been trying to hide underneath his anger. He turned away from Soda and walked out the back door. He paced the porch, not even knowing what he should do next. Steve ran his hands over his face and through his hair, coming to only one conclusion. He couldn't leave Soda alone right then. With that decided, he headed back inside.

* * *

Soda sat next to the bedroom window, his arms folded on the sill. He had laid his head down in them, as if hiding, and Steve could hear him crying. He sat down in Pony's desk chair and leaned closer to his best friend. Steve touched the back of Soda's head, feeling guilt course through him.

"Stevie?" Soda asked through his tears, as he looked up for only a second.

"Yeah, I'm here, buddy. I never went past the back porch. I couldn't," Steve said, knowing Soda would understand.

Steve felt tears well up in his own eyes, but he held them back. Soda needed him now. He could never stay mad at his best friend, and perhaps he never had been mad at him anyway. It had just come out that way because he was scared. Soda was crying so hard, his body shook. Steve had never seen him this way before, and he hoped he never would again. He wanted to cry for the nearly tangible pain he could feel coming off of Soda in waves. Steve blinked back his tears again. He didn't really know what Soda needed at this point, but he would be there for him. Soda was more his family than his own father, and Steve would do anything for him. He would let Soda rely on him for strength, for comfort, for whatever he needed. His own tears would still be there later.

"Come here, buddy," Steve said, as he drew Soda into a hug and let him bury his face in his chest.

"I'm sorry, Steve. I was just trying to feel better," Soda sobbed, hugging Steve back.

"I know, man. I knew you were hurting. I guess I just didn't know how bad."

"I cut once, then it just..." Soda trailed off. "I don't know. I couldn't stop, and I made it worse."

Upon hearing these words, Steve felt grateful that he had caught Soda. This could've gotten much worse.

"Please don't be mad at me," Soda pleaded.

"I'm not. I swear. I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's just that you scared me."

Soda suddenly tightened his hold on his best friend, and Steve didn't know if that was because he thought he was going to turn away from him in anger or if it was simply because Soda was feeling so vulnerable. Steve knew Soda was scared and must've been in so much pain to even consider hurting himself as a way to cope. He wouldn't let Soda think he was about to leave him to deal alone. He wouldn't dream of it.

"Shh. Easy, man. I'm not going anywhere," Steve said.

Soda didn't say anything else, and he wasn't crying as much, so Steve continued. "You're my best friend, Sodapop. Practically my brother. I told you before you could tell me anything, and I wouldn't judge you. I'm still not judging you."

"Are you sure? You're not mad at me? I know this wasn't the right thing to do, and I should've talked to you or to Darry." Soda pulled away and looked at Steve.

"No, I'm not mad at you, and nothing has changed. You're going through a tough time, man, but that doesn't change a thing about our friendship."

Soda nodded, but didn't speak again.

"And I have to say this, though I know you already know. You have to talk to Darry. I can't let him not know you've been hurting yourself. This isn't something I can keep to myself, and I won't let you keep it from him," Steve said.

"How? I tried. But I couldn't! If hadn't see that, I don't know if I ever could've told."

Steve didn't have the answer to Soda's question. "I don't know, buddy, but I'll help you figure it out."

"What's he going to say? I can't take him being mad. He's asked so many questions lately, trying to figure me out. He even asked if someone else had hurt me. I really did try to tell him days ago, but I just couldn't," Soda rambled, as he pondered how to tell Darry what had actually been going on with him.

"Soda, he's going to know as much as I do that you had to be really hurting to cut yourself like that. He won't be mad at you. Darry will understand why you didn't tell anyone."

Soda knew Steve was right about telling Darry, but he dreaded the conversation they'd have to have tonight. Even though he wasn't looking forward to it, Soda did welcome the relief he knew would come.


	9. Chapter 9

Soda and Steve sat at the kitchen table, each holding a hand of cards. They had decided to play a few rounds of poker, waiting for Darry to get home.

"What you got, man?" Soda asked, eyeing his cards and searching Steve's face.

"I've got a straight," Steve said, laying his cards on the table.

"I've got a flush." Soda also laid his cards down.

Steve narrowed his eyes and examined the hand. "Hey! You're trying to cheat. That's not a flush. You have four clubs and a spade!"

"Huh?" Soda looked confused.

"Come on, you really think you could get that past me?" Steve asked, laughing.

"No, I guess I didn't see it right. Thought all of them were clubs. Seriously, if I were going to cheat, I'd do a better job than that!" Soda laughed too.

The door opened, and Darry stepped inside, and Soda felt himself being zapped back into reality. He had been grateful for the distraction and normalcy of the poker game. Steve had collected the cards and begun shuffling the deck.

"Soda, you get the mail?" Darry asked, pouring himself a glass of milk.

"Yeah. It's on the counter. Darry, I-" Soda started to speak before Darry interrupted him.

"Isn't it your turn to cook dinner?"

"No, it's Pony's, but-"

"Well, where is he?" Darry asked, looking through the mail.

"Darry, please!" Soda said more loudly now.

"What, Sodapop?" Darry snapped, as he opened the water bill.

"Never mind. Nothing." Soda sighed, as he glanced at Steve, then got up and went to his room.

Steve slammed the deck of cards onto the table. "Darry, didn't you just hear him? He's trying to talk to you!" he yelled.

Darry cursed to himself, realizing his mistake. He had been trying to get Soda to talk to him, and now, here he was snapping at him when he tried. "I don't know what I was thinking. Just had a rough day," he explained apologetically.

Better hold on, Superman, it ain't about to get any easier, Steve thought.

"Sodapop, come back, little buddy!" Darry called from the living room.

Soda appeared in the hallway, looking unsure.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm listening now," Darry said.

"Dar, I really need to tell you something," Soda said, biting his lip and looking at Steve.

"Okay. Let's sit down," Darry replied, sitting down on the couch.

Soda sat down next to Darry, and before he could even ask, Steve was on his other side. Soda glanced at his best friend again, and Steve just nodded, laying a hand on Soda's shoulder.

"What's going on, Soda?" Darry asked, seeing Soda's troubled glances.

"Just tell him," Steve encouraged, squeezing his best friend's shoulder.

"Do you remember Dad's old pocket knife that I found?" Soda asked, looking at his brother, then taking a deep breath.

"Yeah. What about it?" Darry questioned, not knowing what that could have to do with anything.

"I did something I wish I hadn't," Soda told him, closing his eyes.

"Soda, you can tell me. Remember? You don't have to hide anything," Darry reminded him.

"Last Friday night, not too long after I talked to you on the phone," Soda began. "I cut myself," he mumbled.

"You mean on purpose?" Darry asked, feeling a knot of fear in his chest, as he remembered Soda's startled reaction when he had asked about that knife.

"Yeah," Soda nodded, feeling Steve squeeze his shoulder again.

"Just once?" Darry asked, though he already knew the likely answer.

"No. I tried not to do it again, but I couldn't stop. I didn't mean for that to happen. I just meant to feel better," Soda explained, as tears welled up in his eyes.

"Why did you do it?" Darry asked.

"The first time, I just felt so overwhelmed, and I don't know how, but it kind of made me feel better," Soda paused, collecting his thoughts. "Remember the other night and what I said about feeling like I was lost and just stuck in the middle of everything?"

"Yeah. Are those feelings what made you want to hurt yourself?" Darry asked.

"I think so. But when I told you that, I was trying to find a way to tell you about this too."

Darry's mind flashed back to Soda's pleading words about trying to feel better and what he should've done. He'd known Soda had been trying to tell him something else then. Darry sure hadn't expected this though. He sat in a sorrowful, pained silence, uncertain what to say to Soda. What could he say? How could he have not known his brother was hurting that much?

"Darry, say something," Soda said, fearing Darry was angry or disappointed in him.

Darry shook his head. "I just wish I'd seen it. I knew something was going on with you," he said.

"Hey, Soda, I'll be outside if you need me, okay?" Steve said, standing up, as he sensed he should leave the two brothers alone.

Soda nodded at Steve, before turning back to Darry."Aw, you couldn't have known. No one did. Steve walked in today and caught me." He found himself trying to reassure his brother. "He took the knife from me too, by the way, so I don't have it now. But if he hadn't come in and seen that, I don't know when I could've told anyone."

"Soda, you know I'm one who needs to understand things and be able to do something. Help me understand. Maybe I can help you." Darry put his hands on his brother's shoulders.

"I don't understand it all myself yet, but I think cutting distracted me from the feelings and even shut them off." Soda was grateful that Darry was listening, but growing uneasy about his calm reaction.

"I don't know a lot about this stuff, but it's not hard to see you must've felt awfully hurt to do that even once." Darry was still contemplating Soda's words.

"I was, and I think I was trying to find any kind of relief or even comfort, and-"

"Comfort? That's not comfort. It's destructive and dangerous, and you have to stop!" Darry was finally feeling the alarm at his brother's actions take over.

"I know! I know that!"

"Do you hear me? That's not comfort. This is comfort," Darry roughly pulled Soda into a crushing hug. "I will not let you hurt yourself anymore. If I have to make sure you're never alone, that's what I'll do." Darry nearly shook Soda, as he spoke.

"I know. I'm going to stop. I want to stop. That's why I'm telling you cause I can't stop by myself," Soda told his brother, returning the hug.

"Soda, please. If you feel like that again, come to me," Darry pleaded, his voice thick with emotion.

Soda pulled back to look at Darry, and he was instantly reminded of the night Pony had been taken to the hospital after the church fire. Darry had sobbed when they'd been reunited with Pony, as he voiced his fear that he'd lost his little brother the same way they had lost their parents. He was crying the same way now. Soda had never meant to scare him. "Hey, Darry, don't cry. I'm doing enough of that for everyone, ain't I?" he said gently.

Darry wiped his eyes. "Sorry, Soda. I just hate thinking of you hurting yourself like that. I never would've thought that's what was happening, Pepsi Cola. It's scary, and I wish I could've stopped you."

"It is. I'm scared too because I didn't know it'd be so hard to stop. I'm sorry, Darry."

Darry reached out and touched Soda's face, wiping away a few tears with his thumb. "You're going to be okay. I don't care if it's the middle of the night. You come to me if you feel like you want to cut. Got it?"

"I got it, Dar," Soda said, knowing he would feel like it again.

Darry kept his eyes on his brother, silently praying he'd be able to help Soda. He'd move mountains for either of his brothers. He loved them intensely with his whole soul. The thought that Soda was hurting so terribly that he felt going down a path of self destruction was a solution made Darry's heart break. Darry remembered how he had told Soda he would be there for him unconditionally, that he wouldn't let him hurt alone, and he hoped that promise would be enough.

* * *

"Steve!"

Steve jumped when he heard his name being called. He'd been thinking about Soda and hadn't seen Pony and TwoBit walk up on the porch. He hadn't been aware of their presence at all until TwoBit said his name.

"What are you dreaming about, man?" TwoBit asked.

"Nothing," Steve answered, shaking his head. He glanced at Pony, who was staring at him. "What, kid?" he asked, not unkindly.

"You look like you've been crying," Pony said.

"Yeah, well, so what if I have? My old man kicked me out again," Steve said.

Pony only shrugged his shoulders before going inside. Steve breathed a sigh of relief, then found himself hoping Darry and Soda were done talking. He knew Soda, and there was no way he'd want his little brother to know about the cutting. Not yet anyway and maybe not at all. Pony practically worshiped Soda, and Steve believed he only saw the happy-go-lucky side of his brother. His view of Soda was so perfect and idealistic, like he believed he didn't have any problems or pain. Or even if he did, he would just naturally get over them. Steve thought Pony could use a reality check, but at the same time, he wasn't sure how the kid would react if he knew what had been going on, and Steve didn't want Soda hurt any more than he already was. Pony might just expect him to snap out of it, and Soda didn't need that. Steve knew that Pony truly loved his brother, but his perception of Soda had him up on a pedestal, and he wasn't one to want to see the aftermath when Pony finally realized his brother was human too.

TwoBit was still standing there and broke into Steve's musings. "Pony might buy that, but don't insult my intelligence. I know you better than that, and I know there's no way you'd be crying about your old man."

TwoBit was right, but Steve couldn't tell him what had transpired that afternoon. He didn't believe it was his place to reveal Soda's struggle or the way he had discovered it. He didn't particularly want to talk about it anyway. Thinking about the moment when he'd seen Soda pressing that knife into his skin continued to give Steve chills. He shuddered, just as the cold wind blew into his face, distracting him from the fear and guilt that had settled in his chest.

* * *

Pony peeked into Darry's room and saw him putting fresh sheets on his bed. "Hey, Dar, everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure, Pone. Where have you been? Did you go to the movie house?" Darry asked.

Pony knew he was just trying to change the subject. "No. I changed my mind. I was at the library. I was studying until TwoBit showed up and almost got us both kicked out," he replied, grinning.

"I didn't know TwoBit even knew where the library was!" Darry laughed.

"Darry, what's going on? You look like you've been crying and so does Steve. Soda does too, except that isn't exactly unusual lately anyway. Did something happen today?" Pony decided to try again.

Darry sighed, unsure what to say. "Soda's having a tough time, Pone," .

"I know that. Anyone could see that. Steve told me some story about being upset that his old man kicked him out. Give me some credit." Pony rolled his eyes at their attempts to hide from him.

"Just be there for Soda, okay? If he wants to talk to you, he will. But don't push him. He's had a rough couple of hours."

"I know things are bothering Soda still, but that sure doesn't explain how you and Steve both look. Is he okay? What did he say to you guys?"

"Look, Pone. Just do what I said. Give him time."

"You're making me more worried, Darry. I know there's something you won't tell me."

"You're right," Darry conceded. "But let Soda tell you, if he wants."

Pony sighed, realizing he wasn't going to get more than that out of his big brother. He left Darry's room and stood in the doorway of his and Soda's room. Soda sat next to the window, appearing to be staring at the sky. Pony heard their little radio playing "Mr. Tambourine Man."

Soda quietly sang along. "Take me for a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship. All my senses have been stripped. And my hands can't feel to grip. And my toes too numb to step."

A/N The song belongs to The Byrds :)


	10. Chapter 10

Soda startled awake and looked around the room. Pony was fast asleep next to him, with his head on Soda's shoulder. He rested his head on top of his little brother's, feeling yesterday's events wash over him. Just remembering the cut he'd been about to make when Steve came in made his heartbeat quicken. Soda ran his hand up his shirt sleeve and touched his arm, where most of the healing cuts were. He squeezed, feeling little pinches, as his fingernails grazed the skin. Realizing what he was doing, Soda dropped his hand and jerked away from Pony. He had to get up, or this urge would only get worse.

Soda briefly wondered what had happened to that knife. Either Steve still had it, or he'd given it to Darry. He'd thought maybe if he didn't have it, the impulse would dissipate. Maybe they thought that too. Soda's mind wandered into dark places, thinking that if he really wanted to, there were other sharp objects he could find. He pondered this only a few moments before telling himself no; he wanted to stop. Soda hadn't even cut for very long and had already realized the more he did it, the stronger the impulse was the next time. He didn't want anything having such power over him, and he wanted the terrible shame to go away too.

Soda recalled Darry's words about coming to him if he felt like this again. Steve had told Soda the same thing later that evening. He knew they were fiercely serious, but he did wonder if they truly understood it was a matter of when, not just if.

Soda quietly pushed open Darry's door. He'd already decided he wouldn't wake his big brother. He just wanted someone near him, someone who knew. Soda had just been in his bed next to Pony, but he couldn't tell him yet. He didn't know if he ever would. Besides, Darry was Soda's big brother, and it seemed he needed him to help chase the demons away. Soda smiled slightly, thinking of how he'd been afraid of the dark when they were just little boys. Darry hadn't made fun of him. He had only said no monsters could get Soda, as long as he was there. This time, the monsters were real.

Darry didn't stir, as Soda crawled into the bed and lay down close to him. He rested his head against Darry's back. Soda hadn't been there long when Darry began to turn over in his sleep. He bumped into Soda, and his eyes popped open.

"Sorry, Darry. I didn't mean to wake you," Soda whispered, as Darry's eyes sleepily focused on him.

"It's five in the morning, little buddy," Darry said, as he glanced at the clock and yawned.

"I know. It's just you said..." Soda trailed off for a moment. "I needed you."

Darry woke up a little more and caught on to what Soda was trying to say. "You wanted to cut again, didn't you?" he asked, seeking confirmation.

Soda nodded, as Darry reached for the folded blanket at the foot of his bed. He sensed Soda needed to feel more physical comfort, so he wrapped the warm blanket around his brother's shoulders and also kept his arm around him.

"How long have you been here?" Darry asked.

"A few minutes, I guess. Not long," Soda answered, pulling the blanket closer to soak up the comfort.

The two brothers sat in silence for a few minutes.

"You okay, Sodapop?" Darry wondered.

"I think so. Just wanted to be close, you know?"

"I get it. You can do this. Does that feeling just pass after a while?" Darry asked what he was wanting to understand more fully.

"Looks like it. I mean, I gave in to it every other time," Soda admitted.

Darry heard the sorrow and regret in Soda's voice and wished he could ease that burden of guilt. He decided to try. "Listen to me, little buddy. It's not your fault."

"But, Darry, I'm the one who-"

"I know, but think about it. You were hurting. You're still hurting. You told me yourself you were just trying to make it stop."

"Yeah, I was," Soda agreed, feeling the shame inside him beginning to suffocate.

"You couldn't have known it'd end up like this. I didn't know that could be so hard to stop either."

"Thanks, Dar. That helps." Soda took Darry's words to heart.

"Not now, but soon, I want to hear exactly what made you hurt enough that you wanted to cut at all. And I do mean everything."

Soda nodded, remembering how he'd told Darry he felt lost and stuck in the middle. He was beginning to see how those, along with a troubling mix of guilt, grief, and fear, had started the dark and winding path he still walked.

* * *

"Coming over later?" Soda asked Steve, as he clocked out.

Soda was about to leave for the day. Steve would be at the DX for a few more hours since he'd had school that day.

"Yeah, I will. I think I'll crash on your couch again, if that's okay. I ain't ready to deal with my old man again yet," Steve replied, as he straightened his DX cap.

"Hey, Greasers!" a voice yelled.

Soda and Steve turned to see two Socs approaching the counter. Steve recognized them from school. They were Gary and his friend, Thomas. They were the same guys TwoBit mentioned had been messing with Pony.

"What do you want? This ain't even your turf," Steve said, scowling.

"We didn't come to talk to you. Just your buddy here. The dropout," Gary said, gesturing to Soda.

Soda didn't miss school and didn't mind working full time at the gas station at all. Yet, he hated being called that. "Lay off, man. What I do with my time is not your business," he said calmly.

"But what you do with my woman is," Gary sneered.

"What are you talking about?" Soda asked, honestly having no idea and thinking they had the wrong guy.

"Susan is my girl. I heard you were flirting with her," Gary answered, narrowing his eyes.

Soda was getting annoyed. He hadn't even called that girl. Sure, she was cute, but he didn't have the energy for dating at all now. He missed it, but he felt he had too much going on in his head to deal with it. Soda was the type to want a real relationship, like he'd had with Sandy, and he didn't have the emotional strength to build one yet. Besides, getting his heart broken again any time soon didn't sound appealing when he was just trying to take care of himself.

"You can have her. I never even called her, and no way could I have known she's with you. Get lost!" Soda said.

"Yeah. Get the hell out of here!" Steve added.

"That's all right, Grease. I had a go at your woman," Thomas commented.

Soda knew he must be talking about Sandy. Everyone at the high school had known about them when they were together.

"Hey! I said get out of here!" Steve yelled.

"Ha, just like your brother. Getting your friends to fight your battles for you. Man up, Grease," Gary taunted.

Soda knew he was talking about Pony now too. He'd heard about the incident at the school.

"You leave my brother alone!" Soda shouted.

"Your girl was so hot. You should've heard-" Thomas was saying before Steve interrupted.

"Hey, we got customers about to start coming in here, and you ain't buying anything. Go back to your turf!"

Steve wanted to punch the guy senseless for the remarks about Sandy. The only thing stopping him was the fact that he was at work and needed his job. Their boss didn't like fights taking place at the station when his employees were on the clock.

"Make us! Hey, Thomas, what were you saying about his girl? I want to hear. No wonder she dumped him. She deserved better than a grease ball like that." Gary started in on Soda again.

Soda bolted out from behind the counter and grabbed the front of Gary's shirt, pushing him against the wall. "Shut up!" he growled, feeling the need for a rush course through him.

"I'm telling you. She couldn't keep her hands off me, even after we-" Thomas was cut off when Soda's fist slammed into his face.

Steve scrambled to pull Soda off of Thomas and saw Gary draw his fist back. He was about to hit Soda, so Steve punched him in the stomach. He grabbed Soda by the arm and pulled him away. Both Socs took off outside, figuring they would head back to their own territory now.

"You better run!" Soda yelled after them.

"They were asking for it," Steve said, shaking his head.

"Damn, Steve. Why'd you pull me away?" Soda asked, as if he didn't understand.

"You wanted me to let that other one punch you?" Steve looked at Soda questioningly.

"I could've handled him." Soda shrugged.

"You were too busy punching his buddy's lights out to even see it coming, man."

"I guess you're right, but I got so mad at him talking about Sandy like that. That ain't even right to talk about a girl that way, even if it's not true." Soda leaned against the counter.

Steve didn't know why, but it looked like Soda was shaking. Was he that angry, or was there another explanation?

"Hello. Welcome to the DX," Steve greeted the pair of customers who had just come inside. He was grateful no one else had been around to see that fight. Their boss wouldn't have to know, and at least Soda had technically been off the clock.

"I really wanted to keep punching him, Steve." Soda spoke, as if he were shocked.

"Well, you were mad, buddy, and I don't blame you. Guys were jerks."

"Yeah, it's just more than that though. Man, I'm shaking so much." Soda realized fighting had felt too good.

"Buddy, why don't you just hang out here? Go in the break room or something," Steve suggested, not wanting Soda to go home, where he may be alone.

"Yeah, I'll do that, at least until I'm not so shaky." Soda grabbed a bottle of Pepsi, then walked to the break room.

* * *

Steve had just finished putting gas in the last of a line of several cars when he saw Darry's truck pull into the parking lot. "Hey, Darry, Soda's in the break room," he yelled, as he walked toward him.

Darry nodded and went inside the station and toward the back. He looked into the break room and found Soda wasn't there. Steve appeared behind him, looking confused. "He was just here," he said.

"Maybe he decided to go home," Darry offered, shrugging.

"Yeah, guess he was feeling better. Man, these Socs were talking trash about Sandy."

"Oh, yeah? What'd Soda say?"

"He punched one of them in the face. I don't blame him either. Guy went to far. Same Socs were picking on Pony at school too."

"So what happened? They fight back?"

"Guy's buddy was about to hit Soda, but I pulled him out of the fight. He didn't even see it coming."

"Thanks, man. I'm glad you did."

"Something else happened though. Soda started shaking a lot not long after and asked me why I pulled him out. He said he really wanted to keep punching him. Like he didn't expect to feel like that."

"Well, he was angry. Sounds normal to me."

"That's what I said, but Soda told me it's more than that. I'm already so worried about him, I can hardly take it, Darry." Steve walked back to the counter.

"I know what you mean. I'm going to go home and see if he's there. I'm thinking so, and I don't want him alone right now."

"All right. I thought the same thing. I'll be over after our guy who works the later shift comes in."

Darry waved at Steve, as he went outside and walked back to his truck. He realized he couldn't keep tabs on Soda 24 hours a day, but that didn't stop him from being concerned. He knew Soda wasn't in a good place with how he had been feeling, and he was worried he'd end up cutting again to try to numb whatever emotions he was experiencing. He didn't know for sure, but Darry did have an idea about what Soda may have meant when he said he'd wanted to keep punching that Soc. If he was right, that would also explain why he had been shaking. Darry hadn't seen much yet, but between how Soda had been that morning in his room and Darry's now more informed view of his brother's behavior for the past week, he was beginning to get the picture.


	11. Chapter 11

Darry wouldn't admit it yet, but the sight in the living room was a relief. Soda sat on the couch, staring at the TV that was playing an episode of Bonanza. He had a can of beer in his hand. There were two more empty cans on the table in front of him.

"Sodapop, you know I don't want you drinking. You hardly care for this stuff anyway," Darry said, as he took the mostly full can from his brother.

"Better than what I could be doing," Soda pointed out, as Darry tossed all three cans in the trash.

"All right. I get it, but still, no more."

"I just wanted something that felt good. Like a rush." Soda thought for a moment. "But I just feel funny now."

"Well, you were never much of a drinker." Darry took a seat next to Soda, deciding to be direct. "That's what it does, isn't it? The cutting? It feels good for a second cause it's an adrenaline rush. Maybe even a high."

Soda sighed, realizing Darry had gained an insight he was still trying to grasp himself. "Yeah. You're right," he said.

"Hey, it's okay," Darry told his brother, as he rubbed his shoulder.

"I got in a fight today, Darry."

"Steve told me. I looked for you at the DX before I came here. He told me how you were after too. That you were shaking.

"Yeah, I left and didn't tell Steve. I wanted to be by myself, and I knew he'd try to stop me," Soda explained his absence.

"Do you blame him?"

"No. I get it. Man, I didn't even want him to pull me out of that fight." Soda paused and looked at Darry. "But I think if Steve hadn't been there, I'd have gotten in over my head."

"It was a rush, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, and I wanted more."

"So you thought you'd take beer from the fridge and try getting drunk instead?"

"Pretty much." Soda shrugged.

"I have to be honest here, little buddy. I don't want you to be alone right now. I think you know that, or you would've told Steve you were leaving."

"I do know that. I can't expect you not to feel that way, I guess. You and Steve both," Soda admitted.

Darry obviously didn't want Soda cutting, but he was also concerned about his brother searching for the same release in drinking or fighting. That wouldn't turn out well either. Any of these things would ultimately hurt him. Darry had an idea that he'd decided he would ask Soda about soon. He knew Soda needed to talk. That was the only way he'd start to cope better, and Darry wondered if a change of scenery would give him the chance. Maybe if Soda was able to get away for just a little while, those emotions he'd bottled up so tightly would finally begin to grant some peace to his spirit.

* * *

"Don't you know if you wanted to have a few beers, I'd have joined you?" Steve asked Soda, grinning.

"I know," Soda replied, flipping through the other issue of _Car and Driver_ magazine he'd just dug out of the closet.

"Man, you hardly even like beer anyway," Steve pointed out, sitting down next to Soda.

"Well, thought I'd try again." Soda shrugged. "Doesn't matter anyway. You know Darry. He doesn't want me drinking."

"Darry has to say that. He's your brother, but he's your guardian too. But, really, are you doing okay?"

"I guess. Sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving the station. I just wanted to be by myself."

"I get it, man. But I'm trusting you to come to me if you need to. I mean it."

"I know. I will. Thanks, buddy." Soda meant his appreciation for more than just the present moment.

"Anytime, Soda. I always got your back," Steve promised. "Hey, want to head down to the Dingo? We haven't been there in a while."

"Sure. I feel like getting out anyway." Soda closed the magazine and tossed it onto the bed.

* * *

Pony was searching for a photo he remembered taking of his dad and Johnny. "Ah! Here it is!" he said, smiling, looking at the photo of two of the people he missed very much.

Underneath that photo was one of his mom and Soda. Pony took both of them out of the box and was about to close it when something else caught his eye. It was his dad's old Roy Rogers pocket watch. Pony picked it up, thinking Soda would like to have it too. It was still ticking, after all.

* * *

Darry sat in the kitchen with bills spread across the table, as he scribbled numbers in his checkbook. Managing money at his age made him glad he had actually paid attention in math class.

The door banged open, and Pony strode in with TwoBit behind him, blabbing about a blond he'd been chatting with at the Dingo the night before. "She really dug my sense of humor," he was saying.

"I should tell her to run for the hills before she gets mixed up with the likes of you," Pony kidded.

"Ha, you just want a shot at her yourself," TwoBit joked.

"I wasn't even there, TwoBit," Pony shot back, grinning as he rolled his eyes then went out on the back porch.

"Hey, Darry, can I talk to you a minute?"TwoBit asked, suddenly serious.

Darry raised his eyebrows, curious. "Sure, man. What's up?" he asked, putting the paid bills into a neat stack.

"I was at the Dingo last night when Soda and Steve were there, and I overheard something I think you'd want to know," TwoBit said.

"So tell me. Is it about Soda?" Darry questioned, knowing it must be.

"I don't mean to rat my buddy out. You know that, but I know something ain't right. Soda was talking a big game about drag racing to some River King."

"River King? I've never known Sodapop to talk to any of them."

The River Kings were considered Greasers too, but they were closer to being an actual gang. They were rough and much more dangerous than anyone Darry would want either of his brothers hanging around. Dally hadn't even gotten too mixed up with any of those guys.

"Well, he was. I heard him challenge the guy to a drag race. Man, it'd be one thing to race with Tim Shepard's guys or something, but not them," TwoBit said, concerned.

"He's out of his mind if he thinks he's doing that. I don't trust those guys. That's no friendly contest." Darry was thinking much more than he could say to his friend right then.

"They set it for tomorrow night. Is Soda okay, man? It's one thing for him to be his reckless, fun self, but this is over the top," TwoBit said.

"I think he's really not okay, and this is him trying to find a way to be, but that race is not happening. Not with Soda in it anyway." Darry shook his head, knowing he had to confront his brother.

Darry couldn't have Soda going off and getting into trouble, trying to quench the thirst for a release or a rush. He would either get in too deep and get hurt, or he'd find it didn't work and end up cutting again anyway.

Before TwoBit could reply, Soda scrambled inside and opened the refrigerator.

"See you, Darry," TwoBit said, not wanting to stick around for the argument he knew was bound to happen.

Darry nodded at him in thanks before turning to Soda. "So, were you going to tell me you're planning on drag racing a River King, or did it slip your mind?" he asked.

Soda looked surprised, as he closed the refrigerator. He suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. "I was going to tell you, Darry," he said.

"Somehow, I doubt it. Forget it, little buddy. I know what you're after, and I'm not allowing you to get into something dangerous to chase a high."

"You don't know a damn thing about what I'm after!"

"Hey, watch it," Darry warned, narrowing his eyes.

"Just leave me alone, Darry! You don't get it!"

"Then, tell me, Sodapop, so I will get it!"

Soda suddenly turned and walked away, and Darry heard the bedroom door slam. That went well, he thought. He figured he'd give Soda a moment before he tried to talk to him anymore. Darry moved the remaining bills and his checkbook to the counter before making his way down the hall. He knocked on his brothers' door. "Come on, Soda, let's talk," he said.

The door opened, and Darry thought Soda had calmed down. He was wrong.

"What the hell am I supposed to do? How crazy am I to feel better when I slice open my own skin, than when I try so hard not to?" Soda yelled.

"What did you just say?" a voice asked.

Darry turned to see Pony standing behind him, staring at Soda. This just keeps getting better, he thought.

"Someone answer me!" Pony exclaimed.

"You heard me, Pony," Soda said, knowing he couldn't take back the words Pony had heard.

"No, you'd never do that." Pony took a step back. "You'd never hurt yourself," he said.

"I did, Pony. I'm not anymore, but I did," Soda said softly.

Pony kept shaking his head and then bolted out the front door.

Soda made to go after him, but Darry pulled him back. "Just wait, Soda. You know Pony. He'll come talk to you when he can," he said.

Soda nodded, and Darry watched him, searching for any clues that might hint at what he should do or say next.

"I don't want to cry anymore, Darry," Soda said, feeling tears swim in his eyes.

" There's nothing wrong with crying, little buddy. Do what you need to do," Darry said.

Soda fought the tears and felt his chest tightening. He didn't want to cry though. He wanted to be angry. Anger seemed so much easier to cope with and control. He wanted to be mad at Darry for telling him he couldn't be in the drag race and mad that Pony had overheard what he said. He hadn't wanted his little brother to know he'd ever cut. Yet, Soda was really mad at himself for the situation he had created that led up to this.

Darry was unsure what else he could say, as he took in the bleak and discouraged look on Soda's face. He had honestly expected him to feel better too, not worse, but the cutting was a symptom of a bigger problem. It had been his way to act out the pain he was feeling.

"Damn it! I tried to deal with the pain and only made more pain!" Soda said, still fighting the tears.

"Soda, why don't we sit down?" Darry offered.

"No! Don't tell me what to do!"

"I'm only trying to help you."

Soda suddenly wanted to lash out at someone who wasn't himself. Nothing else had worked to take the edge off the searing pain that was trying to pull him under again. Maybe he could get the upper hand this time. Soda told himself that he could make the tears disappear if only he could get angry enough. Then, there would be no more room for grief, fear, or sadness. "Well, don't!" he snapped.

"Sodapop, listen to me, little buddy. I get you're angry," Darry tried again.

"It feels so much easier to just be angry. If I'm pissed off at the world, nothing else will be able to touch me."

Darry remembered Pony telling him something Dallas had said to him right before Johnny died. He told him to get tough and nothing could touch him. No, that couldn't be Sodapop. He wouldn't let him even try it. "Soda, stop it. Don't bury everything else you don't want to feel underneath that anger. That's how Dallas was." Darry paused, knowing his next words might set Soda off again. "And look what happened when we lost Johnny."

"I'm nothing like Dal." Soda seemed to deflate.

"Exactly. But I'm telling you all he could feel was anger, and you're not like that. Please don't do that to yourself." Darry relief flood through his heart.

"What do I do?" Soda finally looked into Darry's eyes.

"Stop shutting out whatever it is that still hurts so much. I told you I want you to tell me everything. That'll help." Darry came to stand in front of Soda and put a hand on each of his shoulders.

"Sorry I yelled at you, Dar," Soda apologized.

"It's okay, Pepsi Cola. Hey, I got an idea that might help you."

"What's that?"

"Remember Lake Spavinaw that Dad used to take us to?" Darry asked, knowing Soda would remember.

"Yeah. Seems like every time I needed to talk to him and get something off my chest, it happened there." Soda grinned a little.

"I know. Me too. He had good timing. I think we should go. Just you and me. It'll get you away, and you can talk without thinking of anything else."

"Okay. Let's go."

"You'll talk to me out there? Everything?" Darry was still looking at Soda.

"Yeah. I will. I promise."


	12. Chapter 12

TwoBit was walking into his kitchen to grab a cookie from the fresh batch his mom had just baked when the door was flung open. He suddenly felt a body slam into him and a pair of arms wrap tightly around his waist. TwoBit looked down to see what was the matter. "Pony? What's going on, kid?" he asked, gently pushing him away to look at his face.

"It's Soda. I didn't know. Did you know?" Pony said, tears streaking down his cheeks.

"Know what?" TwoBit prodded.

"That he's been hurting himself! I heard him say something about it to Darry. I didn't know. Why didn't I know?" Pony sobbed, and TwoBit folded him into his arms.

"Shh. It's okay, kiddo," TwoBit soothed, stroking Pony's hair.

"I don't believe it, TwoBit. Why didn't he just talk to me?"

"I don't think it's that easy, Pone. I know you've been through a lot. Soda has too though, and I think there's more to it than we know."

"But he's Soda. He has to be okay. I need him." Pony pulled away and looked at his friend.

"I know, kiddo, and he loves you a lot." TwoBit slung one arm over Pony's shoulders and led him to the living room.

"But why? Why would he do that?"

"I don't know, Pony. You'll have to ask Soda that question."

"Can I stay here a while, TwoBit?" Pony wiped his eyes and sniffled.

"Of course you can. I bum around your place enough, don't I?" TwoBit grinned at Pony and was relieved to see a small smile in return.

The two friends sat silently for a few moments, and then the phone rang.

TwoBit picked it up. "Hello? Yeah, he's here, Darry," he said, handing the phone to Pony.

"Hey, Darry. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm upset, but I'm okay." Pony listened for a moment. "Yeah, just talking to TwoBit. Sorry I ran. Please tell Soda it's okay, and I'm not mad at him. I'll talk to him later," he told Darry before hanging up.

"You really okay, kid?" TwoBit asked.

"I'm getting there. Just shocked, I guess. And I knew Soda had something going on with him. But he wouldn't say much to me about it.

"He's your big brother, Pony. He wants to protect you. We may all forget it sometimes, but you're still only fourteen. Soda and Darry don't want you trying to handle everything. Man, I don't either."

"Thanks, TwoBit. I'm glad you were home. I don't know who else I could've gone to since Johnny..."

"I know, kid. Hey, there's still Steve," TwoBit joked.

"Somehow, I don't think Steve would've appreciated a kid barging into his kitchen and crying all over him." Pony laughed.

"Hey, you never know!" TwoBit said, as he turned on the television.

Pony knew he'd have to talk to Soda later, but for now, he could joke around with TwoBit and forget the rest of the world existed. He could just be a fourteen year old kid.

* * *

"Sodapop?" Pony's voice called quietly.

Soda turned around and grinned at Pony. "Hey, Pone. You all right?" he asked, as he hugged his little brother tightly.

"I should be asking you that." Pony hugged him back, not wanting to ever let go.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you." Soda hoped Pony would understand what he meant.

"It's okay. I mean, I don't really know, but it sounds hard." Pony closed his eyes and listened to Soda's heart beat.

"It is. I'm pretty messed up, Pony." Soda rested his chin on top of Pony's head.

"Aw, you're not messed up. Don't say that. Don't talk that way about my big brother." Pony finally let go of Soda.

"I've been hurting real bad, and I keep trying to fix it and making things worse."

"I have something for you," Pony said, as he opened a drawer and pulled out the pocket watch and photo he'd found. "I found this picture of you and mom. I remember taking it. And this, well, it was dad's, and I thought you should hold onto it."

Soda sighed, as he took both items from Pony. He stared at the picture, looking into his mom's eyes. He listened to the watch ticking and placed it in his shirt pocket for safe keeping, right next to his heart.

* * *

"Hey, Pony, you going to be okay with us away? It's only a day and one night. But I just want to make sure," Darry asked, as he folded his clothes to put in a duffel bag.

"I'll be fine, Darry. TwoBit will be around, and I have history project to do. I'll be over at my partner's house working on it most of tomorrow anyway," Pony answered.

"All right. If you need anything, tell Mrs. Mathews."

"I will. You just take care of Sodapop."

"I'll do my best. Don't worry, Pone. When things start to get better, we'll all go to Lake Spavinaw again together, okay?"

Darry kept running the events of the past year through his mind, and the pieces didn't seem to fit together. It wasn't that he thought Soda couldn't be hurting this badly from grief and loss, but he did believe there had to be something he was missing. Soda had to be hiding the rest of the puzzle, and Darry intended to get his brother to tell him everything. He couldn't let Soda continue on this path of self destruction. Right now, the emotional turmoil he was experiencing had him at the crossroads of perpetual despair and gradual inner peace. Darry prayed he could help Soda choose the right direction.

* * *

Soda tossed an extra pair of socks into his duffel bag before zipping it up.

"I hope this helps you, Sodapop," Steve said.

"I think it will. There's a reason I promised Darry I'd talk. I think I can out there at that lake." Soda thought for a moment. "There are some things Darry should know, especially now. I was trying to forget them myself, and I can't."

"Do whatever you need to do, man."

"Honestly, Steve, you should know too. You deserve to know after...well, after what you saw." Soda found himself unable to say it, but he knew Steve would understand.

"Buddy, I'm not glad you were cutting, but I am glad I caught you. It scared me, but the thought that it could've gone on longer without anyone knowing?" Steve met Soda's eyes. "Nothing has ever scared me more than that."

"Thanks for still sticking with me after all this, Steve. And we'll talk in a couple of days. I owe you that."

"You don't owe me a thing, but like I said, do whatever you need to do. I'll be here to listen," Steve said, squeezing Soda's shoulder.

"Hey, Soda, let's go!" Darry yelled from outside.

"I'm coming! Bye, Steve!" Soda waved, grabbing his bag and the cooler on the counter, as he ran to Darry's truck.

"Bye, Pony!" Soda hugged his brother, before he tossed the bag and the cooler into the backseat and hopped into the passenger seat.

"Ready, little buddy?" Darry asked, as he started the truck and pulled away from the house.

"As ready as I'm going to get," Soda replied.

"It's a little over an hour drive, so not long til we get there."

"That drive always felt longer," Soda remembered.

"I think trips seem longer when you're a kid."

"Hey, did you bring the fishing poles?"

"I did. They're in the back. We can't very well go to a lake and not fish, can we?" Darry grinned.

"How about the tent?"

"Of course, Soda! I got it. We're good. The only thing you need to worry about is you, little buddy."

"Yeah, I know. But I did grab the cooler you forgot!" Soda pointed out.

"All right. You did." Darry laughed. "So worry about you and our drinks and sandwiches. I got the rest."

"Thanks, Dar. Cause I know you've got me too," Soda said, as he rolled down the window and let the wind blow in his face.

"Yep. I sure do. I always will. You really don't have to worry at all, do you?" Darry smiled at his brother, as their city road faded into highway.


	13. Chapter 13

"Remember that time you were about five and fell asleep out in the snow?" Darry asked, eyes twinkling in a smile, as he set his folding chair up next to Soda's and grabbed a sandwich and a drink from the cooler.

"Yeah. I do. Hey, I was tired, and at least I built a fort to nap in out in the cold!" Soda said.

"Man, you were freezing out there when mom went to get you. Good thing you had on that big coat you liked so much!"

"I always did love the snow."

"Did? You still do, little buddy. Last winter, I remember dad dragging you in after you'd been out there for hours throwing snowballs at anything that moved!"

"I was doing just fine until the next thing that moved was Dally!" Soda laughed at the amusing memory.

"I thought he was going to kill you. He might've if mom hadn't dragged him inside too," Darry pointed out, still laughing.

"That same winter, Johnny hit Dal with a snowball," Soda remembered. "I think he was too surprised to be mad."

"Ha, I didn't know that."

"Just me and Pony were there, I think. Not like he could ever get mad at Johnny anyway," Soda said, taking a bite of his sandwich.

"It's still so pretty out here." Darry looked out at the shimmering lake. "Last time I got to come here was just after I busted my knee in that football game and had to sit out the season. Dad brought me, and I couldn't do much with the hurt knee, but it didn't matter."

Soda watched the sun beginning to set in the sky, as he breathed in the chilly evening air. This really had been a good idea. In this setting, Soda could feel a sense of calm, and that would help him when they talked.

"Hey, Soda, I'm going to pitch the tent before it gets too dark. Then, we'll build a fire." Darry thought for a moment. "We can talk by the fire or walk somewhere down by the water, whichever you want."

"I want to stay over here. This was a real good idea, Darry."

"I'm glad you feel that way." Darry began to work on the tent.

* * *

Soda and Darry sat on a blanket by the fire they'd built. Soda looked up at the moon, as he zipped up his jacket. He glanced at Darry, as he felt his brother's hand on his back. "Night is so hard for me, Darry," he said. "It's better out here, but still."

"I know, little buddy." Darry rubbed Soda's back.

"But I think I know why now. There's something I never told you. I don't even want to remember. I keep trying to forget, and I think I even almost did." Soda looked at Darry and felt the concern radiating off of him.

"Tell me. I promise I'll listen."

"The night of mom and dad's accident, I was supposed to be in the car." Soda blinked back the tears he'd known would come.

"What do you mean?"

"They were on their way back from that Christmas party Dad's work buddy had. Mom thought she wasn't going to get home in time to go." Soda looked down at the ground.

"So? How does that mean you were supposed to be in the car?"

"I told Dad I'd go with him. Then, when Mom did make it home just barely in time, I bailed and went to Steve's instead."

"Oh, Sodapop...I didn't know."

"You weren't home. You couldn't have. I never told anyone about the change of plans. After the accident, I felt so guilty, but you were tied up with trying to get custody of me and Pony," Soda explained, as the tears he'd tried to keep back flowed down his cheeks.

Darry stared at Soda, searching his memory for any clue that had been left in the wake of their parents' deaths. He found none, and he knew it was because they had all been so consumed with grief. There was nothing that could have betrayed the extra layer of sorrow Soda had been carrying then.

"It should've been me, instead of mom! I should've at least been there with them!" Soda cried, beginning to choke on the tangle of emotion in his throat.

"No! Don't ever say that!" Darry cried, also letting his own tears fall. No wonder, he thought. Everything going on with Soda suddenly made so much sense. He absolutely hadn't done anything wrong, and nothing was his fault, but Darry could see why his brother felt guilty.

Soda laid his head on Darry's shoulder and felt his big brother's arms close around him tightly, as if Darry were trying to keep him safe from the storm of grief that had had many months to gain strength.

"I love you so much, Sodapop. You weren't in that car because you were meant to be right here with me. I couldn't have made it if we'd lost you too." Darry said, as he held his brother.

Soda held onto Darry, as he continued to sob violently. His brother's words flowed over him, and he felt he had finally found some of the comfort he had sought for too long now. "I love you too, Darry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I kept thinking I should've been there too, and I just wanted to bury the guilt." Soda let his tears soak into Darry's shirt, still clinging to him.

"It's okay, Pepsi Cola. You were just a kid. You really still are." Darry kissed Soda's head.

"I miss them, Darry. And I've been so scared of losing anyone again since then. All I could do was try to hold on to you and Pony, and I really did try."

"You still have us. Don't forget that." Darry pulled away to look into Soda's eyes.

"I know. I mean, there's something else you don't know."

Darry felt a chill run down his spine, as he comprehended Soda's words. No, there couldn't be more. Soda couldn't have hidden yet another painful secret. "Just tell me. Come on, you're doing great," he encouraged, gently touching Soda's face.

"I went after Pony the night he ran away," Soda said softly.

"What?" Darry was confused.

"Yeah. You were in your room. It hadn't been long, so I went out, thinking I'd see him somewhere."

"All right. So you didn't find him. You couldn't have known where to look."

"But I could have! I wasn't too far from the park where Johnny stabbed that Soc, and I heard something. Like some arguing or fighting." Soda shook his head that was beginning to ache. "I got scared and ran home. I thought Pony might be there. He wasn't."

"Soda, you couldn't have known." Darry spoke in a firm voice.

"But after mom and dad, it was supposed to be my job to keep us together!" Soda yelled, jumping to his feet.

"You were sixteen years old. That was never your responsibility," Darry reasoned, as he also stood up.

"No, I don't mean like as guardian. I mean close and not fighting and at each other's throats."

"I'm so sorry, little buddy. I'm sorry you felt that kind of pressure and that Pony and I fought so much."

"Being the middle brother, I've felt like I have to be everything to both of you, and after mom and dad, that started to pull me apart. And not even just because you guys fought." Soda felt more tears come to his eyes.

"Why then?"

"I've wanted to help you with the bills and Pony and all that, but at the same time, I've felt like I'm still a kid. Like I've been trying to be part guardian and part fun older brother too."

"Oh, I understand, little buddy. I've felt like that too, but I am older, and you know very well that I got much more focused on the guardian part," Darry sympathized, but also grinned at his brother.

"And then, when you guys fought, I felt like I needed to stop it. When Pony ran out, I wondered if I should've just stayed out of it then." Soda sighed and looked toward the sky.

"You were only trying to help. As upset as I was that night, even I knew that."

"But if I hadn't jumped in and stood up for Pony, he never would've yelled at you."

Soda didn't finish the whole scenario from that terrible night, but Darry knew he meant that if he hadn't jumped in, then Darry would've never hit Pony. He remembered the argument he'd had with Pony just days ago and how Soda had jumped right into it. He understood now why that had happened.

"I'm the one who hit him, Soda. It wasn't your fault at all. Me and Pony both did things we didn't mean to do that night," Darry said.

"I ran after him, thinking I could fix it though. Maybe I could have if I hadn't run back home when I did. Then, nothing else would've happened." Soda shut his eyes against the memories.

Darry heard Soda's unspoken words. If he had been able to fix it, Johnny would've never had to save Pony from drowning. They wouldn't have gone to Windrixville, so Johnny and Dally would still be alive now. Soda was torturing himself with "what if's."

"Or, if you hadn't gone home, you might have gotten hurt too. We can't know. You only did what you could do. Believe me, I've had my regrets, so I get it, but you have to let it go," Darry insisted.

"I'm trying. That's why I'm telling you all this. I think the guilt over mom and dad's accident just makes it worse too." Soda stepped closer to Darry and wrapped his arms around him.

"I can't imagine it, Soda. I hate that you've been in so much pain all this time," Darry said, holding his brother again.

"It all hurts so much, and it's been there long enough that I don't remember not feeling guilty or scared or just sad."

"It's going to get better from here, little buddy. I understand everything now." Darry gave Soda one last squeeze before letting go and leading him back to sit down by the fire.

Soda lie back on the blanket and soaked in the glow of moonlight. Darry watched him and thought he could almost see the peace he needed and the security he'd lost begin to descend upon his brother. He grasped Soda's hand and held it, as he said a silent prayer that he would finally be able to start to heal.


	14. Chapter 14

Darry turned over and looked at Soda, before he yawned and stretched. His brother was still sleeping, so he curled back into his sleeping bag, hoping to catch a few more minutes of shuteye. Darry had stayed awake long after Soda had gone to sleep the night before. He had been worried Soda would be drawn from his much needed rest by a nightmare, but as Darry watched him sleep, he'd had a calm look about his features. Now, morning light had arrived, and Soda had hardly moved. Darry wasn't even sure how long it had been since Soda made it all night without startling awake from a nightmare or the painful tangle of emotions that had made his spirit so weary that he'd resorted to physical pain to try to defeat it. Darry knew one conversation couldn't solve everything for Soda, but it was a start.

Darry couldn't help but think of how dark his life would be now if they had also lost Soda when their parents died. Soda's revelation about the accident had made his entire being ache with sympathy for his brother. He thought back to the week of his parents' deaths, and it seemed to be a blur, but he did remember how much Soda had been dedicated to helping both him and Pony through it. He had seemed to cope as well as could be expected, but now, Darry suspected that was because he'd been lost in building walls to guard the secret he'd kept and the resulting guilt. Darry's mind skipped ahead to the time Pony was in Windrixville and how Soda had been so devastated. Given what he had said about going after Pony not long after he'd run away, it was no wonder. Darry could hardly stand to think about the fact that he'd actually had two brothers out in the middle of the night! He was certain that night was when the walls Soda had built started to crumble. In fact, Soda had seemed calmer and more composed right after their parents' deaths than he did when Pony was gone. He'd been able to pull all that pain and guilt over the accident under wraps until more trauma and loss began to unravel it. Soda had been there all the time for Darry, but he had also cried every night, hardly sleeping. After Johnny and Dallas' deaths, he'd barely left Pony's side. He had been so caught up in trying to bury the pain and take care of his little brother, he had forgotten himself. Perhaps that had been what Soda wanted to do because then, all of the grief, guilt, and fear couldn't get to him.

Soda stirred and opened his eyes, seeing Darry watching him.

"Morning, little buddy," Darry greeted.

"Did I sleep all night?" Soda asked, noticing the sunshine.

"Looks like it. You needed it." Darry smiled.

"Come on. Let's get up and go fishing. I don't want to waste any time," Soda said, as he stood and rolled up his sleeping bag.

"Okay. You got it."

* * *

"I remember the first time you fished out here. You caught one and cried," Darry said, grinning.

"Huh?" Soda asked.

"Yeah. You wanted to keep the fish as a pet. You didn't want it to be food." Darry chuckled.

"I was a goofy kid," Soda said, rolling his eyes and smiling too, as he cast his line into the water.

"Oh, you're _still_ goofy. But I wouldn't have you any other way." Darry drew his pole back, casting his line several feet farther out than Soda's.

"I bet I can get mine to go farther," Soda challenged, as he reeled his line back in to cast out again.

Now, Darry remembered why that fish Soda had wanted to keep was the first and only one he had ever caught.

"Bring it on, little buddy!"

Darry watched Soda cast the line out again, and it landed right next to his. Before Soda could try yet again, there was a pull on the line.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Darry said, both stunned and amused.

"I think I've got a bite!" Soda said, beginning to reel.

"Hang on. Slow down a bit and don't pull too hard."

Soda slowed down and relaxed a little, gently pulling and reeling in the line. He could still feel the weight of the fish.

"There you go," Darry encouraged, as the end of the line got closer.

"Not a big one, but I got it!" Soda finished reeling the fish in and held it up. "Hey, Darry, meet Chester!"

Darry burst out laughing, glad to see that goofy little kid still lived inside his brother.

* * *

Steve and TwoBit sat on the floor in the Mathews' living room, the Monopoly game board in between them. Steve moved his piece to pass "Go" and collected 200 dollars, then added three more houses to his collection of property. TwoBit hung his head in mock despair, realizing Steve was about to win the game. He rolled the dice and moved his piece, then drew a card from the Chance deck. He'd just been sent to jail.

Steve laughed at TwoBit's misfortune. "Glory, TwoBit! That's what you get for stealing money from the bank!" he said.

"Hey! I gave it back!" TwoBit replied, laughing too.

"Only cause I caught you! This game is over. You have what? Forty bucks?"

"Yeah. Yeah. I'll get you next time. We'll have to make Soda play with us."

"Oh, man! We'd have to get Pony to guard the bank then. Both of you would be grabbing extra money!"

Steve actually hoped that's what Soda would be doing. The silliness with which he usually approached board games always made them laugh. He'd been missing that side of Soda, and he knew he was still in there somewhere. Steve realized nothing could be totally solved on an overnight trip, but he still hoped that whatever Soda had planned on telling Darry at the lake would bring him closer to the peace he had been chasing. He wondered if Soda remembered Steve's own experience at Lake Spavinaw, but Mr. Curtis had driven him out there once too. The only thing they had done was talk, and Steve had needed that at the time.

"Can I ask you something, Steve?" TwoBit asked.

"You just did, but sure," Steve replied.

"The other day, when you were crying, it was cause of Sodapop, wasn't it?"

I should've known that was coming, Steve thought. Soda had told him that Pony ran over to TwoBit's house after overhearing Soda's telling words to Darry. "Yeah, it was." He sighed.

"Man, the way you looked, I'm afraid to know what happened." TwoBit shook his head.

"I've hardly stopped thinking about it."

Steve hadn't relayed the story of how he'd caught Soda cutting to anyone else, and truthfully, he didn't feel like he could. Sure, he liked to think he was tough. Greasers always did, but when it came to Sodapop, a guy would have to be made of steel not to hurt at just the mere thought of him being in any kind of pain.

"You think he's going to be okay?" TwoBit asked, looking unsure.

"Eventually. He has to be, man."

"I think I'm going to head over and check on Pony."

"I'll come too," Steve said, as he put the Monopoly pieces in the box.

* * *

"Hey, you home, Pony?" TwoBit yelled.

"In here!" Pony shouted.

Steve and TwoBit followed the sound of his voice to his and Soda's room. Pony was at his desk, marker in hand, writing on a poster board.

"What's that for, Pone?" TwoBit asked.

"History project. World War One," Pony answered, focused on forming letters.

"Doing all right, kid?" Steve wondered.

"I'm fine, Steve. Since when do you care anyway?" Pony asked.

"I think I'll go fetch a beer," TwoBit declared, walking away quickly.

"Cut it out, kid. You're Soda's brother, so I ain't got a choice," Steve retorted.

Pony put the marker down and met Steve's eyes briefly before looking away again and rubbing his head tiredly. "Sorry, Steve. I'm just worried," he said.

Steve's face softened. "Look, Pony, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I also know when it comes to Soda, we're both on the same page."

"I know." Pony nodded at Steve.

They may have competed for Soda's time in the past, but after everything their group had been through, they'd reached a sort of truce. Steve and Pony would never be the best of friends, but the only thing that mattered was that each of them knew the other had Soda's back.

"Hey, me and TwoBit were thinking of going to the drive-in. Why don't you come with us? We'll be back before Soda and Darry get home," Steve offered.

"Sure, why not? I could use a break," Pony answered, shrugging.

Steve knew Pony was trying to sound like he only needed a break from his project, but he was actually referring to much more than that.

* * *

"I'm glad we came here, Dar. Thank you," Soda said, as Darry drove the truck onto the highway, heading in the direction of Tulsa.

"Me too, little buddy, and you're welcome," Darry replied, as he rolled his window down.

"I was thinking. The last time I was at the lake before this, it wasn't with dad."

"Really? Who then?" Darry was curious.

"Mom. She drove me out there, and we mostly talked on the way. When we got over by the water, we just sat. It was real nice." Soda smiled at the memory.

"Oh, yeah. I remember that now."

"I was having such a hard time with school. My teachers, and even other kids, expected me to be like you. No offense."

"None taken. I know what you mean, Sodapop. And listen, don't tell Pony I said this, but school ain't everything."

Soda chuckled. That was a good thing because he had never been good at school. His teachers had always enjoyed having him, but he wasn't the student type when it came to classes and books. "Yeah. Well, I told mom how I couldn't be like you with your good grades and football and everything. I was feeling a lot of pressure."

"So what'd she say?"

"That I didn't need to be you. I could just be me. I mean, I didn't do much better, but I felt better after that, and I tried more."

"She was good at encouraging all of us. I think that's why even Dallas calmed down around her. She made him feeling like he was still worth something."

"Mom always made me feel that way too." Soda stared out the window.

"That's cause you _are_ worth more than you know." Darry grinned at his brother.

Darry knew he'd have to keep a watchful eye on Soda for a long time. His brother had such a loving and sensitive spirit, making it easy to see why his intense emotions had rattled him so completely. Darry suddenly had the sad thought that it made sense for Soda to want to create physical scars to cope with the emotional ones. At least he could control the physical scars, or he'd thought he could anyway. Maybe, in his subconscious mind, Soda had thought he could actually cut all that pain and guilt out of himself. Darry honestly wasn't sure if having everything out in the open now would make Soda more or less likely to want to hurt himself again. He figured it could go either way, but he also hoped that the insight Soda seemed to have now would help him deal, even if the desire to cut reared its ugly head. Darry would have to make sure Soda didn't internalize those emotions he'd finally let out again, thinking their one talk would erase them. He believed that conversation was absolutely crucial, but Soda still needed to find his way back to himself.

* * *

"Hey, Pone!" Soda greeted, bounding into the house and hugging Pony.

"Hey, Soda! How'd it go?" Pony said, as he smiled at him.

"It was good. Just what I needed. What'd you do today?"

"We all just got back from the drive-in. Steve invited me to go with him and TwoBit."

Soda smiled at that.

"Yeah, kid here was trying to pick up a girl!" TwoBit said, laughing, as he slung an arm around a blushing Pony.

"Hey, Soda!" Steve greeted, coming in from the back porch and clasping Soda on the back.

"Hey, man." Soda grinned at his best friend.

"You good?" Steve asked, already seeing the answer in Soda's eyes.

"Better than I have been for a while," Soda said.

"I'm glad, buddy. Real glad."

Darry started to come in then, carrying both of their duffel bags, the sleeping bags, and the tent in his arms. Soda rushed to hold the door open and took his own bag from Darry.

"Geez, Dar. You don't have to do it all at one time. Our stuff ain't like those bundles of roofing you always try to carry all at once!" Soda exclaimed, amused.

"Yeah, yeah. I just like to be efficient," Darry said dismissively, as he set their things down on the floor in the living room.

"Shoot, you just like to show off!" Pony said, as he hugged Darry and whispered something in his ear.

"Yeah, Pone, he really is. It's all going to be okay. I promise," Darry whispered back to Pony before letting go.


	15. Chapter 15

Steve and Soda sat on the floor in Steve's bedroom, drinking bottles of Pepsi and just shooting the breeze. For the first time in a while, both of them looked relaxed.

"Hey, Soda, you remember the time your dad drove me out to the lake. I was thinking about it when you and Darry were gone," Steve said.

"Oh, yeah, I was going to come, but I got sick. I remember I told you guys to go anyway," Soda replied.

"Uh hu." Steve nodded. I think your dad knew I needed a break from home, even if just for a day. That was when things first started getting tense between me and my dad."

"Your dad always seemed pissed off at something then," Soda said, as he sipped his drink.

"Yeah, I thought he was mad at me. Sometimes, I still do. That's why I get out of dodge and let him cool off." Steve shook his head, frowning at the volatile relationship he shared with his old man.

"He just ain't happy, man."

"That's pretty much what your dad said. That and he told me I had him too, if I needed anything. I talked to him a lot after that, whenever me and my dad got into it."

The two friends fell silent for a few moments before Soda spoke again. "Um, Steve? Remember how I told you that you deserved to know something?" he hedged.

"Sure, man. But you don't have to. I'll listen if you want though."

That was all Soda needed, and he told Steve everything about how he'd have been in the car when his parents' car crashed if not for a last minute change in plans. Then, he went on to talk about the night Pony ran away, explaining how he had run out to look for him.

Steve listened patiently, letting Soda get through all of it before he said anything in response. "I remember hardly knowing what to say when you felt so guilty after Pony ran. You told me you felt like you should be able to reach both of your brothers. You sure had put a lot of pressure on yourself even before that, man," he said, touching Soda's shoulder.

"It was just how I tried to deal, and it worked for a while. At least I thought it did." Soda shrugged.

"I get it now though. It makes sense." It _all_ makes more sense now, Steve thought, thinking of the last few weeks. He had just a few more things to add. Soda knew already, he was sure, but hearing it could only help more. "No one could've known how things would go with Johnny and Dal, man. That week...it was wild," he said, thinking of their buddies gone too soon.

"It was. I guess, now, I'm just glad it didn't turn out worse. Pony did make it." Soda grinned, truly grateful for his little brother.

"I have to say this too, man. I better not ever hear you say you should've been in that car again. I can't even stand to think of it." Steve was unable to bear the thought of losing Soda too. He remembered his words to Pony about how they would always be on the same page when it came to him. If they couldn't agree on anything else, they shared common ground in the fact that each of their worlds would shatter if they lost Soda.

"I'm still working on not thinking about it so much myself." Soda sighed. "I'm always going to miss my mom and dad like crazy, but between you and Darry, I think you guys are getting through my thick skull." He chuckled softly, then started to get to his feet.

"Hang on. One more thing. Then, we'll go hunt up some trouble." Steve reached for Soda's arm.

"Sure. What?" Soda settled back on the floor.

"I just want you to know" Steve swallowed. That I love you just like you're really my brother. As far as I'm concerned, you are." He spoke softly, keeping his hand on Soda's arm, but unable to keep eye contact.

"Same here, buddy. I mean it." Soda smiled at his friend. "Now, let's go hunt down TwoBit and drag Darry and Pony along too. Maybe we can get pizza or something." He stood up, offering his hand to Steve.

"Then, how about a rousing game of Monopoly?" Steve was laughing, as he let Soda pull him up.

Steve reached over to grab his jacket. As he did, he caught a glimpse of the Roy Rogers pocket knife he'd stashed behind the framed pictures on his dresser. He'd keep it for right now, for both Mr. Curtis and Sodapop.

"Sure! I'll run the bank!"

Now, that was exactly what Steve wanted to hear.

* * *

"Knock, knock. Hey, Pony, we're all headed out for pizza. Let's go," Soda said, knocking on the door, then starting to walk away.

"Wait up. Just a second," Pony said, adding a few more touches to the drawing in his lap.

"What's that?" Soda asked, leaning over to look.

"I finished it for you." Pony held up the drawing of the car Soda had started.

Pony had filled in all the details of Soda's outline. He'd added color and finally made it complete with blue stripes and yellow and purple polka dots. Soda laughed joyously, as he took the drawing from Pony. Pony smiled widely, soaking in the sound of Soda's melodic laughter. He knew Soda would still need time to heal, but the brother he adored definitely wasn't lost anymore.


End file.
